UnNews:New Study Finds 78% of Americans are unhappy with television size

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13 September 2007

A recipe for disaster.

A new poll just released by Zogby International confirms what nearly all experiments have long suspected: that Americans are largely unhappy with the size of their televisions. The recently released data confirm that nearly 4/5ths of Americans suffer from that is termed "inadequate telioscity", or "too few inches". This inadequacy is believed to be a contributing factor to the ever-decreasing quality of life among middle class Americans. Says study head Jans Fassbinder "The entertainment capacity, or EC, that is able to be derived from a piece of quality television, normally a thigh-slapping sit-com like the King of Queens, is directly proportional to the diagonal hypotenuse of the television screen."

When asked what they would most prefer, 1) World Peace, 2) Peace of Mind, 3) A Bigger Television or 4) More Poll Options, 78% of respondents picked option 3. It is believed that adequate television size, at least 30 inches or more, is necessary to maintain even basic levels of human dignity among modern homogeneous population spreads. Other data released with the poll seems to confirm this fact. Research completed at Harvard University's School of Cognition tested the emotional feedback of viewers on televisions 13", 27", and 52". Viewers of the 13" and 27" television sets killed themselves after only 16 minutes of high intensity 'Drew Carey radiation', whereas viewers of the 52" screen managed to complete an entire episode of the Drew Carey Show without succumbing to any ill effects. It's believed that the soft, reassuring glow of the larger screen acts as a sedative or a narcotic, relieving the haggard emotions of the weary middle-Americans, taking the edge of life as, say, a Codeine haze would.

When asked to explain the findings, head Zogby pollster Donny Willis said "After we got these findings back, the first thing I did was buy a projector and screen. Now with over 10 feet of viewing pleasure, I'm among the top 1% of home viewers in length endowment. It's a real nostrum, or panacea, or whatever, to the ills of daily life. Now let's go watch Mr. 300 "