UnNews:New Pope. New overlords?
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 March 2013
The last days before the recent Papal election were full of suspense for multiple reasons. While the person of the next Pope has always been a teeth-chatteringly exciting subject, this time the whole setup carried a particularly sinister feel with it. Think: why did the suspiciously amphibian substitute Pope (substipope?) decree an additional leap year? Where did the Naked Pope vanish - if he ever existed? Was he abducted by space aliens? Is he out there molesting people's testicles - if he ever did that? And what is the rôle of the so-called scientific community - are they just puppets of the same aliens? They are planning to get asteroids to hit the Earth. Go figure.
You might think there is no believing these rumours. Some commentators are, indeed, hugely sceptical. They don't believe space aliens would have anything to gain by trying to govern our major religious sects. Is that really so, Mr. Sceptic-pants? We will talk about that again when we meet inside alien craft, waiting to be ground into fertilizer! I wouldn't want to see Christendom governed by a monster from outer space otherwise, either. Do you want the Easter mass broadcast to be sent from Uranus? Would you like to trade your familiar, friendly crucifix for a symbol based on a dark and horrible rack designed for ten-limbed creatures with two hundred platter-sized eyes and a ten-feet-long spiked penis? Would you like ministers of the church to go after your children with unthinkable deeds in their minds?
If you have been following this menacing plot unravel - and for your own sake, I hope you have - you must be just as terrified as I am. How did it ever come to this? Why haven't the governments of the Earth done anything to prevent what is already happening? Are the politicians so immersed in their own petty power struggles that they don't see how we are all just about to lose our freedom, maybe even our lives? I admit, though, that one naked-pope-perhaps-cum-testicle-molester is not much to go by. But still - we do have Interpol, CIA, FBI, KGB, and numerous less significant agencies. They seem to have plenty of time sticking their noses into ordinary people's drug abuse and other pointless pursuits. Are all the personnel there for fun? Couldn't they spare even one man on the case of Probable Alien Invasion? Let me just say this: they should have. It might already be too late.