UnNews:Nerds Resume Missile Tests

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 July 2006

jsonitsac Washington, DC correspondant

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia -- The Island Creek neighborhood association announced today that local Alexandria, Virginia nerds had resumed missile tests. This comes in response to recent intelligence reports that nerds were resuming missile tests after a year long moratorium against them. According to a statement released by the nerd's "dear leader" Lafayette C. Marzonii "It is our right to launch and design model rockets." However, some residents disagree. "It's a fire hazard, smells bad, and could put out a window or an eye," said concerned resident Franklin Romaine. Romaine and other residents have appealed to the neighborhood association in order to seek an end to the tests.

An earlier missile test conducted in 2002

A diagram of the Big Bertha missile.

The nerds have been launching the solid fueled Estes StormCaster and Estes Big Bertha missiles which have estimated ranges of 930 and 500 feet respectively. Furthermore the StormCaster missile is capable of carrying an action figure strapped to a parachute. Recent reports indicate that the nerds are attempting to build a their own missile, one with a potential range of half a mile. The nerds have claimed that it is their right to construct such missiles and claim that they are building the missiles in order to enter their designs in contests.

Some residents, however, are concerned about the resumed tests, but do not yet have a unified approach to the problem. Romaine considers the tests a "direct threat" and would like to see "serious action" taken by the neighborhood association against the nerds. Romaine has threatened to use his new missile defense system of a .22 rifle to shoot down any incoming missile launched against him or his friends. "I'm a good clay pigeon shooter, and I think I can handle this." However, some reports indicate that his accuracy at shooting clay pigeons is only about 50% and he has no experience against missiles.

Other neighbors, while seeing the test as a threat are unsure on how to proceed with potential sanctions. Some have threatened to simply confiscate the missiles, while others just want the nerds to move to a nearby baseball field to conduct their tests. These divisions will most likely be a weakness in the neighbor's position when they go before the Neighborhood Board of Directors on Thursday at 7:00 PM. UnNews will have more on this story as it develops.