UnNews:Nelson Ned, midget Brazilian singer, dies

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6 January 2014

His voice was bigger than his entire body.

“Welcome, beloved son”

~ Jesus Christ on Nelson Ned

“Mas tudo passa, tudo passarááááááááá...”

~ Nelson Ned on life

BRASILIA, Brazil -- Nelson Ned, the "little giant of music", has died in São Paulo. (Why did we write Brasilia? That's what it said in the original article. This UnReporter had nothing to do with it! Moving on.) Nelson Ned had suffered pneumonia, became unconscious from the RESULTING fever, and never woke up. He was 66 years old. Jesus Christ said, "I am very happy because he is no longer suffering, and he is with me in heaven."

Nelson Ned d'Ávila Pinto was born 2 March 1947, the first of seven siblings, and the only dwarf. The years passed, and he only grew to 1.12 meters in height. (3'4" for those of you idiots not using the metric system.) However, somehow, even being a midget he managed to get all the girls. (Don't ask how the sexual relations worked.) He lived a crazy life; he was a drug-addict, he got married, divorced, then married again.

But then, in 1996, his daughter read to him from the book of Psalms. It was then that he decided to convert to Christianity. Nelson Ned duly became a pastor. In his last years, he had various health problems and issues with his wife; at one moment, she said she had slapped him because, in her own words, "he wanted a thing that I didn't want." (Wonder what that thing must have been.)

Nelson Ned died 5 January 2014 and was buried in a matchbox. He is survived by his wife and his three midget children.

Sources

• Associated Press "Muere Nelson Ned, cantante romántico brasileño" Associated Press, 5 January 2014