UnNews:Nation celebrates after soap is banned
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 January 2010
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Thousands of grateful citizens throng the streets of the nation's capital following President Obama's signing of Executive Order 14325 which bans the manufacture and sale of all soap products. "I can't believe it's finally happened," gushed Jackie, a student of theology at Georgetown University, "finally I don't have to worry about some neat freak burning my skin off."
Public opinion had been mounting against the foaming chemical products for decades but was recently heightened by a nationwide series of grisly mutilations. The alleged perpetrator, Jeffrey Bancomb, a Vermont criminal justice attorney, tortured his victims for hours by binding their limbs with duct tape and removing their outer layer of skin with soap and water. "Every time I close my eyes I can still feel that soft rag sliding across my skin." said Avela Torrance, the most recent victim. "My boyfriend left me last week. He said he couldn't smell me anymore, even I when I was only in the next room."
Family and religious groups also welcomed the news. "You know, it's hard for me to talk about, it's so disgusting," said Dr. Clancy Tarkington, head of the Families of America Council. "They say they aren't all molesters and freaks, but what normal, healthy person would want to expose their nakedness before God and God's children? It's just horrific. I encountered one of them in Central Park once, and there wasn't a speck of dirt on him. I'm still encrusted with my own feces from when I was seven. That's the way God intended it."
A spokesperson for Johnson & Johnson, one of the nation's largest manufacturers of soap products, said that the company was disappointed by the decision but optimistic about the future. "We've already been contacted by several foreign powers and an extraordinary number of terrorist groups inviting us to build factories outside the United States," the spokesperson said. But an anonymous source inside the White House indicated that any attempt at providing soap to the enemy would be seen as an act of treason.
But politics is the last thing on the minds of the nation's children. Charles Clove, age 12, spoke what must surely be the thoughts of every American boy and girl today: "Thank you, Mr. President. Now I won't have to be scared of baths anymore."
