UnNews:Massive impact crater discovered: scientists blame Fat Man

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 June 2006

Thought to be a culprit, this hugely obese man is known only as "Big Dunc"

Reports are coming in that a Massive Impact Crater has been discovered somewhere under the Antartic Ice Sheet. The crater is estimated to be 500km wide, a figure thought to be utter bullshit. What concerns the dedicated scientists currently camping next to the crater is its origin, as the crater is believed to date from 250 Million BC, which is the approximate date of the infamous Permian-Triassic extinction event - supposedly the largest extinction event since the origin of Barry Manilow himself.

The explanation finally agreed upon by puzzled scientists is that the crater was a result of the actions of one "Big Dunc", a humongously obese man about whom legends still circulate. Big Dunc is said to have weighed more than a small forest, and it has been confirmed that the force created by the vigorous motion of such a man could easily have created the Massive Crater. Details are still vague, but it appears that the "vigorous motion" was that which occurred when Big Dunc discovered his penis, which was previously thought to have been missing. The legends say that, upon discovering his crushed and mutilated member hiding beneath one of his many Fat Rolls, Big Dunc began to masturbate immediately. The heat energy created by this movement alone is said to have caused the world's biggest ever forest fire; the final climax is what caused the crater, as Big Dunc "bounced" up and down in obscene pleasure.

Other theories are still being considered, such as Asteroid Impact or Volcano Eruption, but these are considered too fanciful to be taken seriously by the mainstream scientific community. An event such as the Masturbation of Big Dunc is predicted to occur only once every 250 Million years, and scientists say another one is due any day now.