UnNews:Man resigns from job in preparation of winning PowerBall
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 January 2016
ATLANTA, Georgia -- "The PowerBall has reached a record $1.5 billion and I will be taking it in a lump sum", announced a 23-year-old local man in a resignation letter addressed to his boss just hours before his planned winning of the PowerBall. "I have all of my affairs in order and will not be retaining employment here a day more, you fat fucking sack of racist homophobic dog shit. Thank you and have a nice day."
Dexter Douglass, a now former receptionist at a podiatry clinic who was barely making ends-meat on a meager $7.25/hour salary, told reporters Wednesday morning that he was excited about how winning the lottery later tonight was going to change his life forever. "I can't believe that this is going to happen for me. No more people coming up to me expecting I know how long it will be until the fungus growing on their big toe can be scrapped off. Yep. I won't have to worry about not being able to afford the electric bill or water bill or anything. Hopefully I won't have to wait to cash the lottery check until next week. My car insurance bill is due on Saturday, and I'd hate for my coverage to lapse. Not like it really matters cause I'll finally be able to afford to pay all my back-owed traffic tickets."
The 23-year-old also anticipates that he will be able to move out of his dingy loft in Little Five Points by the end of the month. "I really don't think I'll be able to keep living here for much longer. There was a girl who got shot to death over a pair of Jordans in a mugging last week. Worst part of it is, they weren't even real Air Jordans, just some Chinese knockoffs. I'd hate to imagine what these savages could do to me after I hit the big bucks tonight. Guess I'll hire some bodyguards tomorrow or something."
Further detailing pre-made expenditures, Dexter stated he will, "probably take the cash out in a lump sum rather than an annuity. That way, I'll definitely be able to afford all this stuff I bought online yesterday when I had the epiphany that my lotto ticket was going to be the sole winning one. I already have over $100,000 in cloths on the way. Thank God for two-day shipping, am I right?" After that, he will open a Roth IRA, hire a financial adviser to aid him in investing hundreds of millions in the stock market, and putting some into savings so he'll be able to take that dream vacation to an impoverished country and laugh at all the poor losers there.
The odds of winning the PowerBall are 1 in 292 million, making the odds of winning it less likely than becoming a movie star shark victim who survives getting struck by lightning. Twice.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- R. Darren Price "Idiots think they won the lottery looking at an old ticket" NBC New York, January 12th, 2016