UnNews:Man kills PC

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 November 2006

The Victim

BRADFORD, England -- A man confessed today to killing a PC. This confession has come a year after the incident, but Police welcome it with outstretched arms.

The attempted murder was committed last year during an internet session involving Windows 98. John Walker, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had signed up for a new MSN account, and in doing so got the 40th pop up in that day. Choosing to act rationally about the situation, he picked up his handgun and shot the PC; twice in the monitor, and four times in the Hard drive.

"I didn't know what to do,"

The shots were heard by neighbour Mary Richardson, who, being unable to resist the temptation of adding a little spice to what she hoped would be her biggest bit of gossip of the week, called the Police. "I didn't know what to do," stated Mary, 67 "I was enjoying my tea, after a phone call with my son, and these loud bangs came from Number 12."

Needlessly elaborating further on her thoughts, Mary went on to say "I mean, If I said they were just loud bangs, people could have just said it was a firework party or something, but making the police turn up, well, it just adds that extra bit of spice and plausibility, if you know what I mean. Ooh! would you like to know about what that old man at number 64 does with cats too? That'll send a shiver up your spine! It all started..." - at which time our correspondent declined to comment further to Mrs. Richardson, and promptly left the area. No further word has yet been listened to on the subject of the old man and his feline frenzy.

The Police after arriving a little while later, found Mr. Walker, 25, in his study hiding behind his desk. After careful negotiations with Mr. Walker, he finally gave himself up, only to escape when the Policeman was showing him to the car. The escape is thought to be the result of a large bee that hovered menacingly near the policemen, allowing the gun-toting computing master criminal the time to re-tie his shoelaces and make a run for freedom, stopping only for a bite to eat from the convenience store three doors down. However, after a year of being on the run, John turned himself in today and confessed to attacking the PC.

This image contains a scene that some viewers may find upsetting. But it asked for it.

"I haven't done anything to him!" said a confused Windows 98 "I can only do what he tells me to do"

When Walker was asked why he did the crime, he stated: "That was the 40th pop-up I had that day, all I wanted to do was to exchange pleasantries with my friends from work, download some porn, and help the needy rich people of Nigeria."

Mr. Walker is reported to have been employed as, a Travel Agent prior to the incident. "He enjoyed watching people come in and sending them away on holiday, but oddly, he never went on one himself," said a Colleague, "I don't think he was under any stress at all. He was just weird. I didn't like him - he was a bit of a n00b to be honest."

The Police are currently investigating the investigation in the hope of discovering further evidence, and are taking statements from the colleagues of the PC and Mr Walker.

A decision will be made on Nov. 17, whereupon it is expected that the investigators involved in the investigation of the investigation will be investigated thoroughly in order to discover why the original investigation needed investigation in the first place.

In a related story, It has been reported that police forces across the country have run out of red tape.

Sources

• "Man fired gunshot that killed PC" BBC News, November 15, 2006