UnNews:Lohan's career survives car crash
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 June 2012
LA LA LAND, CA – In an effort to generate still more publicity, struggling actress Lindsay Lohan wrecked her rental car, an expensive Porsche, ramming it into the rear end of an 18-wheel tractor-trailer, claiming that she “was too sober to see it.”
The big rig was “trying, repeatedly, to cut me off,” Lohan claimed. “Finally, I decided to take action,” she said.
Earlier, on the same road, a tree swerved toward her, but she was able to dodge it.
The accident collision caused both Lohan and her passenger to suffer bruises. They were also badly shaken and bleeding, witnesses said.
“It was a hoot!” Lohan tweeted.
The vehicle also sustained damage: the front end was smashed, the bumper torn off, and the passenger side of the windshield shattered. The automobile is described as “totaled.”
Although the star was offered a ride to the hospital in an ambulance, she declined.
Her passenger asked for assistance, but was told, “You're not a celebrity; you'll have to get there on your own.”
Lohan was driving along the Coastal Highway when “it happened,” witnesses said. No one saw the semi trying to cut Lohan off, however, which has cast doubt upon her claims to have been sober.
Lohan says she is "sticking by" her "story" and believes that the trucker may have been trying to cut her off because "he wanted a date or an autograph or he's homophobic and doesn't like me because I'm a lesbian."
The police have offered another theory as to the possible cause of the accident. “Maybe she was delirious,” a California Highway Patrol spokesperson speculated, “or maybe she was hallucinating.”
The trucker was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, according to police. Tests are underway to determine the level of alcohol, if any, in Lohan's bloodstream.
EMTs on the scene said they smelled “something” on the actress breath, but were quick to add, “It may not have been liquor. It could have been cough medicine, mouthwash, or even vanilla extract, and we can't be sure whether she strained it through bread or a napkin, if she did imbibe one of these alternative beverages.”
“We did all we could,” the emergency room surgeon said, “but, unfortunately, she survived, anyway.”
Having been released from the hospital, Lohan is back at work on the set of her latest Lifetime movie, Liz and Dick, in which she is playing the roles both or Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. She chose these roles, sources said, because “both Liza and Dick were my real-life heroes: both were notorious drinkers.”
In earlier incidents on the same morning, Lohan drove her car over a curb and almost struck a nightclub manager. However, she passed driver's education training with “flying colors,” her publicist, Steve Honig, said. “She was able to identify the shapes represented by various traffic signs and she knows her colors, too, which is important at traffic lights.”
The producers of the Lifetime movie are reportedly considering relocating their sets to an area of the desert in which there are no roads or highways for miles in an effort to finish filming the movie before Lohan has a chance to have yet another mishap, behind the wheel or otherwise.
President Barack Obama, who met Lohan at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, where he auditioned as a stand-up comedian, asked of his thoughts on the matter, said, “The economy is not doing well.”