UnNews:Letterman arrested for rape
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 June 2009
New York City, New York - In the early morning hours of the 11th, the NYPD stormed the dwelling of popular TV host David Letterman, with an arrest warrant. Taken with only a minor scuffle, the protesting Letterman was transported to headquarters where he was formally charged with the rape of the Alaska governor's daughter Willow Palin.
While Letterman is refraining from comment at this time, Letterman's attorney has released a statement that expresses surprise. "When Governor Palin's husband was slinging all that nonsense about how David was advocating child rape, we figured that it was just some kind of Alaska macho man posturing so he could keep in the good graces of that slutty looking flight attendant he lives off of. As for Sarah Palin's screeches about how she needed to keep Willow away from David, well, we just figured that a dipshit has-been was trying to get in the limelight some more. We never knew they'd go this far."
But 'this far' is in the eye of the beholder, and for Sarah, there's no 'too far' in the protection of her ravenously promiscuous children. "Golly, I can't even keep them from having voluntary sex, and here's this good ol' Dave guy and he's like out raping girls and bragging about it on his show. Gee, that can't be good. As a mom, I had to act. You betcha."
Originally the Palins had kept Willow from accepting an invite to appear on Letterman's show as they believed Willow might have attacked David. Later, in yet another interview, it was suggested that they might have meant that they wanted to keep her away from David out of fear that the supposed pervert would rape her. As this seemed more likely to keep this non-issue alive, Sarah coyly let that explanation be taken for the real one. However, David, apparently fed up with getting punishment for a crime he had not committed, allegedly decided to change that, and show them what rape really is.
The police theorize that he figured that if he was going to do the time, he might as well have done the crime, so that's when he went over to Willow's hotel room, broke in, and repeatedly raped her. When that didn't phase her - she was a Palin girl, after all - he then sodomized her. That's believed to be when she first noticed his presence.
"Like, at first I just thought it was just one of Bristol's boyfriends havin' a go. I thought, geez, he's a bit old even for her, but whatever. Then he did that back door stuff, but I like hardly ever do that on the first date.", said Willow from the ER room she was later rushed to, after the Palins made sure the reporters were in place to see her arrival. "Is this going to help mom like get the nomination thing next time? Cuz I need to get back to the hotel to check on Trig."
A reporter was dispatched to go take care of Trig, who had apparently been left in the confusion. But as it happened, Piper, believed to be the only Palin virgin left, was still there watching him, while unrelentingly flirting with the hotel bellboy.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Letterman hunts for jokes in Palin feud" Associated Press, June 11, 2009