UnNews:Kids get hurt playing with their Wiis

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

9 December 2006

It's not often man is graced with the potential for injury above and beyond a busted nut. Every once in a while we hear about rock stars losing a finger in a guitar solo, but an actual mainstream, cums-with-the-vibration device that will leave thousands maimed or drained? We haven't seen such carnage since the great orgy of '86.

Your Wii cums in about seventeen minutess of repeated jerkings without using Nintendo brand condoms. Your Wii actually includes a censor that can tell when you're not doing it properly, electronically alerting Nintendo H.Q. whenever you're breaching the warranty. Trust me, they can and will exercise their legal right to release the wards binding Hiroshi Yamauchi into retirement so he can go to your house, rape you, and make you have his kids, even if you're a guy.

But we know men. Ain't nobody going to remember to slip that goofy condom around their wrist. Hell, you'll make fun of any pussy friends who actually do use protection. As a public service we've taken it upon ourselves to explore all the dangerous possibilities of improper Wii use. At least three interns lost their virginity making this feature, but if we can scare even a single man into proper Wii usage, it'll be worth their sacrifice.

Sources

• Scott Sharkey "Wiinjuries" {{{pub}}}, 11.15.2006