UnNews:Josh Hamilton knocks satellite out of orbit during Home-run Derby 2008

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 July 2008

An artists quick sketch depicting how the baseball looked just before it smashed into the satellite.

YANKEE STADIUM, The Bronx, NY - Former nobody, Josh Hamilton, of the Texas Rangers today set the greatest record that Major League Baseball has ever seen. He alone managed to knock a satellite out of orbit by just hitting a baseball off of his bat. Hamilton crushed said baseball 200,000 miles into space (approximately 320,000 kilometers for the non-Brit, non-American, non-Vogon, American Baseball fans), knocking a Russian satellite out of its orbit around the earth.

Based on the positioning of the satellite at the time of impact from the baseball which was going well over 1.2 million miles per hour when it collided, it is expected to fall straight in the heart of Moscow, Russia, and is expected to deal significant damage to the city, possibly costing as much as $12 (4 billion roubles) to repair.

Upon seeing this spectacle, and the 27 other monster home-runs that Hamilton had hit in the first round of the 2008 Home-run Derby, fellow second round players, Lance Berkman, Justin Morneau, and Ryan Braun, proceeded to concede to the superiority of Josh Hamilton. Hamilton continued to play, by himself, the second and third rounds of the game, and managed to scrape together 35 home-runs during the whole game, and lost! He Lost!

Hamilton was stopped shortly afterwards by the United States Anti-Aerial Service, which was heavily interested in bringing Hamilton to work for the U.S. government, despite losing to Morneau, even though overall he had 15 runs more than him, shooting enemy aircrafts, and satellites out of the air, using just his baseball bat, and his pitcher, 71 year old, Clay Counsil's arm.

Sources

• Nick Laham "Oh My Josh! Josh Hamilton obliterates a satellite during the 2008 Home-run Derby" MLB, July 14, 2008