UnNews:JRPG Protagonist conducts SHOCKING sting operation

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Sunday, February 17, 2019


Gaelaeia, Kingdom of Alefgard: Schean Walzcher, a student at Asgardia Academy, recently exposed a massive terrorist plot to plunge Alefgard into chaos and civil war--which was intended to shift the conflict of his JRPG (Japanese Role-Playing Game) into high gear and set the stage for multiple possible sequels--via a series of daring sting operations.. Mr. Walzcher was a member of Elite Class Q, an experimental program consisting of very important characters who likely would've been further developed had the story proceeded as planned.

"I mean, the signs were all there, and they were grating on me." Schean told our correspondent. "I was having the time of my life, you know. Bonding with my classmates, exploring this wonderful and prosperous kingdom. But it all seemed to be going a little too well. I'd notice us getting dragged into all these weird conspiracies designed to disrupt the peace, and there were all kinds of people mumbling weird, deranged shit about how I should 'enjoy it while it lasts' because this peace was going to be a 'thing of the past'."

Walzcher decided to take matters into his own hands when he noticed that while he and his friends were able to contain the seemingly isolated incidents that kept escalating in severity, everyone around him seemed hopelessly lost on what it was all building towards. "Eventually, I had an epiphany. Nobody had a handle on how bad this was gonna get. The villains of this bloody game were three steps ahead of us the entire time!"

Anticipating that his life would take a darker and edgier turn and that it would take at least three sequels for him to get a happy ending if things continued the way they were, Schean resorted to extreme measures to nip the developing plot in the bud.

"For God's sake, I don't want to be dragged into a grand battle where I'm forced to face my harshest demons and watch people I care about drop like flies, as each installment of my story gets darker and more convoluted! No, fuck that shit, I wanted to stop it all NOW!"

Through a series of renegade sting operations, Walzcher ended up exposing a grand conspiracy against the Empire. The exact motivations behind this conspiracy are currently unclear, though they seem to involve revenge, split personalities, and even parallel dimensions as an alternate version of co-protagonist Matthias Regius was aiding the conspiracy for his own nebulous aims. The 'real' Matthias did not respond to our requests for comment.

Imperial Chancellor Washburne told UnNews "I am incredibly proud of the noble efforts of Schean Walzcher and Class Q to expose the insurgents seeking to destroy us. I am also incredibly relieved to have cheated my scheduled death as a red herring that Class Q would have been mislead into targeting. All the sequel money in the world ain't enough for me to go out like that."

Sources[edit]

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.