UnNews:Iran makes monkey jump from space

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 January 2013

The heart-stopping jump.

TEHRAN, Iran -- The Iran government was under pressure from animal rights groups today after it claimed to have sent a monkey to space in a bid to recreate Felix Baumgartner's infamous space jump.

Mohammed the monkey has become a national hero after surviving the 23,000 foot jump, but many in the Western world see it as the regime's first act of intergalactic cruelty.

The monkey, named Mohammed, descending through space, with only a banana for moral support.

"This is completely unacceptable," said Sally Barnes, spokeswoman for PETA. "If it wasn't enough that people are testing beauty products on monkeys, or cutting off their paws for good luck, now we are making them recreate record breaking space jumps? When will it end? Answer me!"

The jump had even caused some controversy in Iran, because in early reports the monkey had no name, and was referred to simply by a number, 08349. Rumours spread that the monkey was female, and many conservative Iranians asked how a lady monkey had been sent to space without a headscarf.

The storm was soon weathered by Tehran however, who published a large picture of the creature's male genitals in evening editions of the national papers, and re-Muslimed him Mohammed. A spontaneous march broke out, with jubilant crowds triumphantly waving banners of Mohammed that had previously been on sale for burning, and armed revellers firing bananas into the air.

It is unlikely that a similar scene will take place outside PETA's headquarters in the South Pole. Barnes added, "Our disgust is not only that this attempt took place; we have serious doubts over the veracity of reports that Mohammed survived. As much as we love animals, we can't tell one fucking monkey from another, so it's very possible that Mohammed plummeted 23,000 foot into the Arabian sea, and this new national hero is nothing but an impostor snaffled from a zoo. During the filming of Every Which Way But Loose, they got through 17 monkeys, and no one knew a damn thing about it till Clint Eastwood made vague allusions to it at that Republican convention."

How much PETA's ire will spread to the general American populace is uncertain, however, as one comment on the UnNews bulletin board made clear.

“ If it was an American monkey they'd thrown out of a spaceship or killed or whatever, I'd be angry. But an Iranian one? I never liked Middle Eastern monkeys, ever since Raiders of the Lost Ark. I say fuck him. ”

— James Plaid, Seattle.

Sources

• Leverage, "Iran has launched monkey into space, claims news agency" Guardian, January 28, 2013