UnNews:Interview with a Mayan, will the world end?
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 June 2012
Belize, Central America -- We are to meet Ahaual at a hotel in Belize, my guide, Juan, has arranged for me to interview the last known living member of the original Mayan tribe.
Ahaual has finally come forward to shed some light on the mystery surrounding the Mayan Calendar which comes to an end on December 21st 2012. I ask Juan to translate my first question when, Ahaual interjects - "I speak English you Gringo. This is Belize, everyone in Belize speaks English and Spanish and in 'Mayan' case, Mayan! Ha ha!"
Feeling nervous at Ahaual's sense of humor I pay my guide extra to cue me when to laugh. I sense that all the men in the room are here with Ahaual as they are sitting at our table.
"What you are asking - Ahaual continues - is whether the world will end? Well, what day did it start Gringo? Nobody knows for sure! Why do you idiots take an old calender and put so much meaning in it? You got a man in the fat suit giving out crap every year right? If you believe in this then what hope is there for you Gringo ho ho ho's? We didn't know what fucking day it was most of the time, excuse my Spanish, one of the guys came up with the idea of counting days and we just thought he was a Gringo with a tan. Ha ha!"
My guide Juan laughs, I laugh along. My thoughts are racing back to a scene in Three Amigo's with Chevy Chase, I mustn't say anything dumb about raping horses. Ahaual lights a Cuban cigar and continues -
"Then, you people find the calender and start adding your to-do lists all over it! Forgive my people for creating such drama in your media-frenzied world. My uncle used to say, 'when the calender runs out, you start a new one, When your wife dies, you get 2 new ones, when your fire goes out you slap both wives and the dead one' Do I hold your calenders with naked woman in them and start predicting what will happen? All that calender would do is predict naked women and that's normal where I come from."
The hotel bar feels a lot warmer suddenly, I adjust my tie, I'm not wearing a tie. I use the quiet moment to get drinks for everyone. The bar tender creates my order and then says something in a wheezy, barely audible voice. I ask, "did you say, 'the German says to wait here'"? He smiles and replies, "No."
I wipe sweat from my brow and adjust my underpants, which I am wearing. I hear Ahaual shout over to me, "Hey, Gringo! Come here I have something to show you!" I take the tray of drinks like a waiter on his first day at work and take my place. My place is now directly next to Ahaual. He is holding an iPhone and his grin is almost sweet. "My cousin from America bought me this thing for my birthday" he says with pride. I notice it isn't switched on and ask if he actually uses it? "Use it for what?" he asks surprised. Clearly he doesn't know what it does. I reach out to take the phone when I notice his men reaching for their inside pockets, I hold back. Thinking that my life is over for breaching etiquette I am amazed to see them all holding iPhones; switched-off iPhones. I dare not ask why and begin to announce my departure.
I make my way to the airport and on the plane I review our brief interview. Inside my case I find an iPhone with a note attached which reads: "Hey Gringo! Tell cousin to send electricity! Ha ha"
So will the world end? No. I am visiting Ahaual again on December 21st, so if by chance the world does end, I will hear "Ha ha!" either way.