UnNews:Interview: The Millennial Big-D Day
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 June 2006
UnNews Special Report: An interview with Satan
Welcome to UnNews on the dreaded day of 06/06/06. Here today we have a special guest that has agreed to take time out of his heckish schedule and give us some interview time.
HP: The guest we have today needs no introduction, however for those of that are atheists or need to be caught up; this fellow has been the cause or reason for all evil on this planet…
D: Thank you, thank you, you are too, too kind.
HP: …and also who isn’t ashamed to let people know…
D: If you got it, flaunt it, I always say.
HP: Alright…the Rolling Stones popularized your work in one of their hits; did you have anything to do with that?
D: Heh…well actually no, Mick was stoned at the time, and I was busy down in Africa…how he came up with it I have no idea… {wink}
HP: Well, certainly there is enough background…
D: Oh yeah, sure, I mean you know, the song has a great back beat…
HP: Right, it has a good sound and goes over your attempts to turn mankind…
D: And that’s also why I like it so much, they did good research…those Stones are very well educated you know…
HP: Right…
D: …okay so what the FUCK, you want me to apologize to you BITCH…
HP: Whoa, ok settle down there D, I am just saying this is your interview not the Stones…
D: …ok…alright…
HP: So I’ll recap a little…mankind pretty much has documented you or your actions in song, prose, and even in biblical scripts....
D: …yep...right…
HP: If you could rate your top five most recent accomplishments, what would they be…?
D: …heh…so many to chose from…
HP: …well start with #5 and go from there…
D: ok yeah, number 5 would be knocking up Britney Spears…yeah that white-trash kitten…raises the hairs on my back…oh fuck yeah
D: #4 is a two parter…I love this one…I created WMDs and gave them to the Middle East and told them how to hide ‘em real good…
D: …then I went and told everybody they had ‘em…I laugh about that one all the time…I can just see the stupid fuckers running around all over the desert hiding shit and moving shit around…and then the UN teams running all over the place freaking out cause they can’t find shit…but they just know its there!!!
HP: …heh, that is kinda funny…
D: Damn straight…and #3 would be gas prices…
D: #2 is the invention of the Honda Prius…
D: …and my latest best …
HP: Wait…you are claiming the Prius is your invention?
D: hehe…oh yep
HP: OK…that is supposed to help the environment and then better humanity…I am sorry I just don’t believe you…
D: That’s ok, that’s why its #2…just give it time…hehehehehe
HP: Umm, ok we’ll look into that one…how about #1?
D: No matter, its too late now…got any guesses…
HP: Ok…sure…how about Tshernobyl?
D: Nope
HP: New Orleans?
D: Hell no, I love that place, those stupid fuckers are the worst caretakers…even I think they needed to clean that place up…
HP: Makes sense, how about “American Idol”?
D: Good guess, but it’s not one of my top five…I liked the Gong Show better…
HP: hmm…well…
D: Hehe…ready to sell your soul for the answer? {wink}
HP: Shut up! It could be any number of things…aids, flu, Bin Laden, Prince Charles…
D: No, NO, he was a start up, and fuck no…
HP: Well…can’t be anything important then…
D: HEY…motherfucker! It’s my best yet!
HP: Alright, alright, spill the beans; you know you want to…
D: I’m the biggest contributor to the 700 Club, and I’m Pat Robertson…
HP: No fuckin’ way
D: Yep, all me…
HP: Hmm, could explain the huge forehead…
D: Yeah, I’m gonna have to fire that makeup artist, but oh well that’s Hollywood.
HP: Yeah…ok prove that one…how could you impersonate Pat Robertson…I mean people have known him for ever…
D: I’ve been him since the day after he shot out his momma’s **censored**!!
HP: Oooo…that explains a lot…
HP: And we all thought the Bakers were bad…
D: Ha ha…a couple of dumbasses…couldn’t compete. I mean, I kept sending him a flood of whores…ha ha…he couldn’t say no…but down here in hell, he’s a legend
HP: Jim Baker?
D: Heh…yeah, [he] did more whores in one lifetime than Hitler…greasy little perv!!
HP: Wow...how revealing…so let’s take a commercial break…and we’ll be right back with Satan…
---commercial break---
HP: Ok, we’re back with Satan…before you claimed you had nothing to do with Tshernobyl
D: That’s right
HP: Sure you had nothing to do with Tshernobyl…the translation of wormwood found in the bible…how could you leave that one alone?
D: The whole communism thing…I mean damn, I wish I’d thought of that shit.
D: But no, it was just a bunch of greedy bastards (heh my kinda people though) …
HP: …greedy bastards…
D: Yeah, you will shit your pants...these guys totally screwed up the emergency control rods by tying to save money…that one makes me laugh!!
HP: You have a point there…
D: I mean, how could I not love communism, absolute abolishment of religion…they have got to be the best apes on the fuckin’ planet…
D: But…Tshernobyl…you know, I love it…it’s the gift that keeps on giving…even today.
HP: Yeah…no matter what you’re a sick bastard…you should go to hell…
D: Thank you…
HP: …loads of innocent children are being born into that crap…
D: Exactly! Sounds hilarious…
HP: Ok…what’s so hilarious?
D: About 100 millennia ago I invented radiation…heh…now I think of it, it’s funny that it’s finally paying off…
HP: I see…
D: Yeah…mostly I just sit around screwing with small stuff…I put something aside…and wait for mankind to stumble across it…you apes can’t help yourselves. I mean I almost forgot about the whole radiation thing, until the Nazis found it…what ever happened to those poor little bastards, I loved them…
HP: Heh…yeah real lovely…
D: They entertained us down here to no end…I mean we knew we were gonna have some good parties when they got here…
HP: So what kind of plans do you have for the future?
D: Nope, can’t give away the ending…but I will tell you this Michael and I have many long standing bets…
HP: I’ll bet you do…
HP: Speaking of betting…how do you feel about lottery funds helping out things like education?
D: Shit…what a fucking drag, take a perfectly good sin and twist it around, that’s so Jesus…
D: But you know…what’s really funny, how much of that money really makes it to your goody-goody crap?
HP: Ok…how much?
D: Not a dime…hahaha…so yeah I’m all for things like Oil for food, sending aid for Africa…heh yeah just send it through…you fucking bleeding hearts are so trusting
HP: Wow
D: Yeah…I mean how do you think I keep my minions in food and clothing
HP: The starving and sick of Africa? Are your minions?
D: No, no, no, you stupid fucker…the groups that control the various areas and keep those areas supplied with ammo…I mean ammo costs and funds have to come from somewhere
HP: Oh right…ok I see…well, you’ve been more patient with me than I would have expected
D: Yeah…you know things have been going pretty good lately.
HP: Oh?
D: Well…giving that little turd, Osama a cloak of invisibility has turned out to be a pretty wise investment.
HP: Here I thought he was controlled by the CIA…
D: Fuck no…those goody-goodies…
HP: Alright…I can tell that we could go on forever…
D: Oh yeah…
HP: Thanks for spending time on this interview…that’s all we have for this UnNews Special, tune in next time when we interview the french guy that started the whole revolution in Europe thing…
D: So…can I keep this chair…I really like it…
