UnNews:Internet Safety Day cures paedophilia once again

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

6 February 2007

An Internet kiddie fiddler.

TEH INTARWEB, Cyberspice, Tuesday (UNN Technology) — Efforts to make the Internet utterly safe for children are being marked by the fourth Internet Safety Day on 6 February, organised by the EU's Information Society and Media Commissioner Viviane Glib. "I am calling upon all decision-makers in the private and in the public sector to help make the internet a safer place for the most vulnerable of our society," she said, "namely, the politicians."

US research suggests many teenagers often stumble across pornography online. No, honestly, it just pops up entirely at random, when they're innocently looking up homework topics on Wikipedia or something. That they would go looking for it is incontheivable.

The CyberSuperHighwaySpace Research Unit (CRU) at the University of Central Lancashire is the UK co-ordinator for Internet Safety Day and is using the day to launch a training scheme for those who work with children that use the net. "It's about ways to help kids deal with the bad experiences," said Dr Aged Hipster. "Children need people that understand how your first goatse feels and who they can report them to."

A blogathon will showcase the materials produced by hundreds of schools around the world dealing with the risks and rewards of net use, such as drawings fingerpainted in MS Paint on a graphics tablet illustrating Internet protocols in terms of the OSI protocol stack, open proxy tracing, DNS spoofing, port 139 vulnerabilities and other such exploits frequently abused by those of pre-school ages.

In the UK, British Home Secretary John Reid has said he is considering making paedophiles add their email addresses and chatroom names to their other details on the Sex Offenders Register. Because all sex offenders only have one chatroom name or email address, particularly when already breaking the law. Dr Reid also (seriously) claimed that chatrooms could automatically alert police when a paedophile logged into them, as all chatrooms in the world are under UK law.

"It is scientifically proven that paedophilia did not exist before the Internet," says Dr Glib, "and was probably only invented as the result of a 'Rule 34' jest."

Sources

• Kevin Warwick "Come up to my room and see my cyber implant" WiReD, February 6, 2007

• Steven M. Bellovin "Set the Evil Bit for the heart of The Sun" RFC 3514, March 32, 2003