UnNews:Horoscopes 26th October

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Thursday, October 22, 2020

Rude, violent and irredeemable.

Your birthday this week: Scorpio! Scorpios are rude, violent and irredeemable. This was going to be the year you finally overcame all of your personal demons, and poised yourself for success and inner peace and harmony. Every broken thing in your life - your relationships, your career, your personal goals, both practical and spiritual... all of it, was set to be healed and restored. This was going to be your greatest year. But then, Covid struck. What are you gonna do? I mean, it changed all of our plans.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - You can express your ridiculous contrariness this week by not wearing a mask on Halloween.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - An important piece of information arrives this week narrowing the identity of Q down to a Leo who is reading these horoscopes right now!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - The comparisons to Zoidberg are apt this week. Apt, I tell you.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Say "mucho" to your Spanish-speaking friends this week. It will mean a lot to them.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Fun challenge for you this week: try to go the whole week without consuming anything connected to a billionaire. Make sure your life insurance covers idiotic deadly challenges first.

Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Your perfect life partner awaits you this week, but the stars are clear on this one: I'm not allowed to tell you which star sign to look for, or it will not happen for you. I think I can give you a hint, though: when you meet him, you will tell him, "I finally found you! I've been looking for you all of my life. Frankly, I'm sad you tarry us". Wink.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - A vortex of cosmic anguish surrounds you this week and validates all of your incessant whining. Congratulations.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - Don't take this wrong, please - I know it may seem harsh, but I mean it in the nicest possible way. You're a fat, ugly cow with a horrible personality and no redeeming qualities at all, and you should just die.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - A peaceful, gentle sense of EVIL BEHOLDS ME! will embrace you this week and provide a much-needed moment of spiritual serenity.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will be surprised to discover irrefutable evidence this week that you are Q. You may at first be inclined to disbelieve it, not thinking of yourself as the mastermind behind the secret effort to expose the deep state conspiracy, but the confirmation bias will be overwhelming. Wake up, sheeple - you're Q.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Women everywhere want your attention, but your life-long inability to respect women as fully self-empowered autonomous agents of their own soul and destiny will prevent you from being able to turn any of them off.

Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - Hey, nice hat.