UnNews:Horoscopes - October 25th

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Your brother may be a fat cunt but he is unlikely to become a suicide bomber.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - For your birthday, your parents are going to get you some aftershave, your sister is getting you a set of bubble bath and body scrubs, and your colleagues have clubbed together to get you a shower gel/deodorant value pack. Are we noticing a pattern yet?

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - If you want your girlfriend to stop smoking, try slowing down and using more lubricant.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are told your new business plan has the worst time invested/profit made ratio of any line of work that doesn't involve learning the accordion.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You tease your little brother (See right.), saying if he eats one more bacon sandwich he will go bang, but secretly you know it's the people who never eat bacon who are statistically more likely to explode.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Sometimes life all depends on perspective: baby kicking the inside of its mother's tummy = cute. Man kicking the outside of her tummy = felony.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You learn that your partner has nicknamed your penis "War" because it's good for absolutely nothing.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Tired of hot girls rolling their eyes at you when you check them out, you decide to spend the whole week eyeing up ugly and fat chicks. Bring wet wipes.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Remember when the doctor says the test has come back positive, that's not good, it means you've got something.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You spend the whole week campaigning for Oscar Pistorius to be allowed to wear prosthetic bum cheeks in prison.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Your partner takes it badly when you joke about her being a bad mother. I guess it's too soon after the miscarriage.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are telling too many people to "suck it". Tone it down.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - On Friday, an insect crashes into your kitchen window and explodes. Turns out it was a Jihaddy long legs.