UnNews:Horoscopes - July 1st

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Like a dog, you’re a naturally sociable animal, a fiercely loyal friend, and when it gets hot, you lie on your tummy and press your balls against the ground.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You often boast that you don't jerk off because it feels like "trying to tickle yourself". Avoid following this up with the admission that you climax up to five times a day by humping Teddy.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Coelho said, “Imagine two men go to a stream after putting out a forest fire. The face of one is all smeared with black, while the other man’s face is completely clean. Which of the two will wash his face? Both, because the man with the clean face will see his colleague and say to himself: "I must be dirty too. I’d better have a wash." On Tuesday, you learn it doesn't work if you come out of the forest and masturbate.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You have always wanted to be spiritual but disliked how 'preachy' religion can get, so you decide to get really intense about juicing and pilates.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Stacey, the girl that you meet through match.com on Tuesday, rightly points out that describing yourselves as "outdoorsy" is not quite as accurate a description as "homeless".

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your friend announces the birth of his baby daughter on Facebook. Follow everyone else's congratulatory lead, and resist the urge to ask "Is Monica's pussy ok?"

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You have to accept that you have put on weight when a friend points out that even the small of your back is massive.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You decide to run 5 miles a day. That way, in a month's time, you will be 150 miles away from the crime scene.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - The stars are telling me you have always prided yourself on your steady hand when trimming your pubic hairs, but this weekend you get cocky. Oh wait, they're saying Cocky is with a capital c. Wait, you call your penis Cocky?

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) - You worry that your new girlfriend might not be the sharpest tool in the box, when you ask her "Who's your daddy?" during a frantic act of coitus, and she duly recites her father's full name and address.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your friend told you that it's impossible to tell when someone's urinating in the sea. What he neglected to explain was that it only works like that if you're entirely immersed in the water, not when you're just dipping your feet.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Clean your ass. I don't mean that in a sassy, hip hop way, I mean get some soap lathered up, give your backside a good once over and then shower it, or preferably sink it in the bath for an hour. You stink.