UnNews:Horoscopes - April 26th

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 April 2014

You're fucking gay!

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Your lifelong habit of saying "That's what i think of you and your religion" as an amusing way to introduce a fart causes tension with your new roommate from Saudi Arabia.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Whatever happened to that bright-eyed youngster, full of dreams and ideals, with the whole world at his feet? The police call on Monday, they want to ask you a few questions about him.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – You never understood why school bullies always picked on you and said you were gay. Turns out, you're fucking gay! (See right.)

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – A meeting with the cosmetic surgeon brings good and bad news: you can afford the nose job and the liposuction, but the penis extension is going to be a bit of a stretch.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Venus moves into your sign this week, and your sign is all like, "What the fuck?"

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – Inspired by the story of St George, you decide to dress up as a knight and kill a dragon. Unfortunately, that was the only komodo dragon that the city zoo had, and the visitors were really upset, especially the kids.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – You must have flushed the chain four times - that didn't work - so you mashed the sucker with a toilet brush - then two more flushes, and then an acrobatic cleaning session involving stretching the shower head over towards the toilet and rinsing the shit off the brush head. Absolutely epic, and there's no one you can tell. Polite society sucks.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – Returning to civilisation after years spent as a castaway, everything seems strange: the luxury of blowing your nose into a soft tissue, the unspeakable ease of flicking a light switch, and the fact that you can no longer stand on the beach masturbating into the sea.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – After years of looking for a girl who actually loves anal sex, you're delighted to find one, but you find yourself in a quandary when she reveals she insists on doing it bareback after a creamy curry.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – After a day spent staring at a computer screen at the office, followed by a night spent staring at a computer screen at home, you've come to understand that the main difference between your work time and leisure time is whether you have your pants up or down.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – You start to worry that it's been too long since you had physical contact with a woman, when an fat old lady accidentally brushes her behind against yours in a café and you get the biggest erection of your life.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – You decide to take up karate, just for kicks.