UnNews:Horoscopes - 9th June
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Gemini (May 22 - June 21) - This week you make a move on your partner’s mother. Not because you find her attractive, just to see what will happen. It proves to be an interesting few days.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Nothing can get you down this week as you pass through every crisis, high on life. And cocaine, mostly cocaine.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You have a crumby life, a crumby job, and a crumby apartment, but that’s what you get for being a baker.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Everything you touch turns to shit, which is having a seriously negative effect on your sex life.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - This week you find your calling - vulnerable teenage girls. No wait, I read that wrong: This week, you find you’re calling vulnerable teenage girls. Stop it.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - In an attempt to force your girlfriend to break up with you, you tell her you are really into watersports. Her response is surprisingly positive, and so begins a game of chicken which essentially no one wins, not least the recycling men who have to collect your mattress on Sunday.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your self-esteem takes a blow when your fave streaming site tells you that horny girls in your area are interested in your brother.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20) - You spend the whole of Tuesday putting on a gay Californian voice and calling other people “faggot”.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Sunday is a day of primal passion, with half a dozen orgasms, a veritable orgy of food and a pervading sense of decadence and indulgence saturating everything. The next step is to find someone else to do it all with.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Weird first stand-up gig.
Aries (March 21 - April 20) - On Instagram you post a message saying that “"chocolate comes from a bean, beans grow on trees, therefore chocolate is a fruit so it must be healthy”. Crestfallen, you discover soon afterwards that you have turned into a massive dick.
Taurus (April 21 - May 21) - Just because you like Barbra Streisand (pictured), that doesn’t make you gay. It’s the sucking cock that does it.