UnNews:Holy shit, cocaine sharks!
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
July 25, 2024
COASTAL BRAZIL, BRAZIL
| Cocaine Shark | |
|---|---|
|
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| Personal info | |
| Nationality | Brazillian |
| Date of birth | july 25, 2024 |
| Place of birth | Brazil Coast |
| Date of death | it will never die |
| Place of death | it will never die |
| First Lady | it's gay |
| Political career | |
| Order | HOLY FUCK IT'S COCAINE SHARK, THE PRESIDENT OF BRAZIL |
| Vice President | NONE CAN SHARE HIS POWER |
| Prime Minister | of the world |
| Term of office | july 25, 2024–present |
| Preceded by | cocaine bear, brazilian squidward |
| Succeeded by | none shall succeed him for he is eternal, he is blackness, and the infinite void he is fire turning in the spiral of oblivion gaze upon him in despair |
| Political party | cocaine |
| Penis nickname | n/a |
There are goddamn cocaine sharks off the coast of brazil. I'm not shitting you. They put chemicals in the water to give the fricking sharks cocaine. I don't give a shit about whatever off-brand cocaine shark movie technically exists somewhere, this is actually insane. What the fuck. Who does this.
There are goddamn drug production labs putting cocaine in the water. we're all going to die. cocaine sharks are going to rise from the deep and they will eat our children, they will eat our flesh, they will eat our country, and there will be nothing but blood and a long forgotten wish that it could have been okay. somehow, that in some other life, we could have thrived but no more. It is the end. The ocean is turning to blood cocaine and there are earthquakes and plagues of locusts and Donald Trump is up for re-election.
I'm gonna fucking lose it, what the hell is up with this planet?
The cocaine shark's cooooooool fuckin' backstory man[edit | edit source]
So there was this shark named Guantuopalloushinvoxiquarnizeshurin (normal shark name) and he was chilling in the ocean. Minding his OWN goddamn business. he was just like fine, you know, being one of 13 brazilian sharpnose sharks that had no cocaine in them at that particular moment. However, as a matter of history, this was soon to change. The shark's got cocained and they saw the war of 1812 in their eyes, their visions were strong and potent, and they knew they were to be the harbingers of what is to come. they knew their eternal purpose, as ascribed to them by copernicus so many years ago -- they could finally understand the sacred message, the undertaking. they snorted up that cocaine man it was real good dude mmm yeaaaahhh cocaine shark mm m yeah
Political career[edit | edit source]
The world was shocked that cocaine sharks existed. holy shit, the world said. what are you doing being cocaine sharks. and the cocaine sharks (of course led by the holy and ungovernable Guantuopalloushinvoxiquarnizeshurin) were like
aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAA PUT ME bACK IN THE WATER RIGHT FUCKING NOW
and we did put them back because to drown a cocaine shark is the worst sin you can do, even including all that other stuff i'm far too polite to mention . yeah, so the cocaine sharks are back in the water because they asked politely and so we talked to the brazillian president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. In an unprecedented move, he began immediate action. He said:
“It is the will of the Brazilian people that makes us a beautiful nation. We have for many years been beset by challenges, and we have stepped up to meet these challenges. We have worked to decrease corruption and murder in our extraordinary country. We are taking a decisive step towards putting this issue back at the center of the international agenda once and for all. This issue, of course, being, what we have found in our waters. Over the centuries, hunger and poverty have been surrounded by prejudice and hidden agendas. Many saw the poor as a "necessary evil", as cheap labor to produce wealth for the oligarchies. False theories held them responsible for their own poverty, attributed to an innate indolence, without any evidence to that effect. The poor have been ignored by governments and by wealthy sectors of society. The poor's treatment by our government, by the world's governments, has allowed crime to flourish, it has allowed our world to be polluted, irrevocably changed. It has changed for the better. Cocaine Shark is here now. Cocaine Shark is a better man than I. And so, I -- and there will be NO opposition to this -- am installing Cocaine Shark as the holy president of the republic of Brazil. It is the way of our people to stand up against trouble, to put ourselves forward to what is right, and good. And utilizing martial law to instill Cocaine Shark as the motherfucking president is definitely the way I'm doing that right now. My Doctors say I'm a sane man.”
cocaine shark
Acts in Congress[edit | edit source]
cocaine shark's first presidential order as holy dictator monarch of brazil was to get some more cocaine. more has probably happened but it's still like the same day as I write this
the side effects of our polluted ocean waters containing a yummy brew of cocaine, microplastics, macroplastics and lots of oil are currently unknown and probably fine
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Sharks in Brazil test positive for cocaine, say scientists" CNN, 23 July 2024