UnNews:Hillary Clinton Drops out of the Presidential Election
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 July 2007
Washington DC-- Hillary Clinton’s run for President was not only very interesting, but long anticipated. As of today, however, the game is over. This is part of a series of startling events that turned her from a rather powerful women, to an obvious loser.
Hillary Clinton was at a speech in New Hampshire yesterday. Like previous speeches, people were not only booing, but were throwing tomatoes at her. After she was thoroughly soaked in tomatoes, she could not resist calling the audience "dickheads." This brought even more outrage to the audience, making things even worse. Toward the end of the speech, she was seen running out of the area, through the audience, while screaming "mommy." Many voters became aware of these events despite the fact they were censored by the mainstream media.
A CNN Poll taken today showed her support at a mere 7%. When Hillary Clinton turned on her TV, all she could do was hear herself being viciously insulted before throwing the remote at the family pet. This was believed to be a poor attempt to imitate "a football player who didn't like dogs."
At a speech earlier today in Iowa, Hillary Clinton was doing her best to defend herself against an angry audience. Nothing seemed to change their minds, however, and at one point it became clear to her that she wouldn’t win the election. In light of this, she simply dropped out. At a press conference only hours ago, she said "I couldn’t break that glass ceiling. It was too thick, like my husband."
In a surprising twist for the self-proclaimed feminist, Senator Clinton said "If I can't be President, I'll have to be satisfied with, once again, being the wife of a president." Clinton then announced that she "intended" to become the "new wife of Barack Obama," whom she believed had the best chance of becoming the next president. Clinton also stated she was "determined" to reacquire the White House by this method and would even consider marrying any one of the Republican front runners, including Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, and would particularly consider Mitt Romney. Of the latter, Hillary said "as a Mormon, he could have more than one wife at a time." She did not think as much of fellow senator John McCain, who she said "blew it." Hillary also said she would still consider Newt Gingrich, "depending on the polls."
Former President Bill Clinton was at her side when she made her announcement, saying he fully supported Mrs. Clinton's efforts "to leave me," and would cooperate in any way possible "to make it happen."