UnNews:Heath Ledger is dead

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 July 2008

Actor Heath Ledger. I can't believe he died.

Billings, Montana. Holy crap! You guys aren't going to believe this. You know Heath Ledger? That guy from A Knight's Tale? And also he was in that awesome movie about how Mel Gibson gave us independence from England? Well, it turns out he's dead. That's right. He was only like 25 years old, and now he's dead.

I found out when I was leaving the new Batman movie with my friend Will, and Will said "That was pretty cool, it's too bad the Joker guy is dead." Well, I guess Will was making a weird joke, but he didn't know how true the joke was. Because the next day I was kind of bored so I decided to try getting on the Information Superhighway again, and I found the news that Heath Ledger died. It was buried in some obscure article about Mary-Kate Olsen. I didn't know you could use the Information Superhighway to keep up with news about Mary-Kate. That's pretty cool.

Anyway, I just feel like I should tell people, because, it's like, it's just kind of sad that someone we all know could die like that and no one would even hear about it. I mean, I guess technically I didn't know him, but I feel like I did. Because, as I learned today, he was friends with Mary-Kate. And anyone who's a friend of Mary-Kate is a friend of me. I know that might sound kind of weird, but it's not.

It just kind of makes you think about life, doesn't it? One day you can be a successful Hollywood actor, and the next day you're dead, and no one even notices or cares. I guess I should start calling all my friends and telling them. I mean, I think Heath would have wanted that. I didn't know the guy, but I think if I died, I'd want there to at least be a story in a real newspaper.

It's just sad, you know? The story I found doesn't even say how he died. I feel like they should show some respect for him and at least tell us that. Well, unless it was something really embarrassing for him, like they found him with his dick stuck in a dishwasher and the word "slut" written on his forehead in lipstick. I guess that could explain why they didn't print it, because they didn't want to embarrass his family.

Wow. I'm just kind of in shock. I'm glad I found this journalism homepage so I could write this down. I mean, probably no one will ever read this, but at least it gives me a chance to try to get the news out to everyone. Okay, well, I should probably start calling everyone I know.

Sources

• Staff. "Mary-Kate Olsen Headed for Rehab?" Actress Archives, July 10, 2008