UnNews:Guy knowingly walks into trouble; is now ashamed of himself

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

15 February 2013

LOS ANGELES, California -- Reeve Tsui was recently arrested by the LAPD on charges of drug possession and trafficking, along with those of assault and battery. And based on an interview he gave to UnNews whilst in prison, he is a very bitter man.

Blaming his position on a girlfriend he refused to name, but whom the police suspect is Gale Taylor, a well-known narcotics fugitive, he gave our correspondent a sordid account of his love affair gone wrong.

"I mean, it almost seems so long ago, I'd just winded up alone with the bartender at this joint I used to go to." he said, in a low mumble. "And believe me, man. It was like I was seeing her for the first time in my life. That face, that beautiful smile. I knew right at that instant that I wanted her. But something about her really scared me. Like being with her wasn't right."

It should be mentioned at this point that Ms Gale Taylor is considered a beautiful woman even by the narcotics department, whose officers otherwise despise her to the core of their beings.

"But I guess that fear just drew me even closer. And what a time it was! She was just what I needed to spice up my boring-ass life as an accountant. We went to all the seedier corners around town, shacked up at every motel we walked by, picked fights with random strangers 'cause we felt like it. It was, like, seizing every moment."

"And then she let me into her world. Her trade. I saw what it was like, to use your knowledge of chemistry to give the gift of a high to others. To provide a moment's pleasure, no matter how fleeting, to people who feel so miserable and powerless. But man, I could see a truck headed right towards me. A part of me just knew that I was going out with the wrong person. And now I wonder, how can the devil pull you towards someone, who just becomes an angel when she smiles at you? How?" he broke off, his voice cracking.

"Because she was long gone, man, even when she met me. And now I realize, the joke is on me. I knew she was trouble when she walked in, so shame on me!"

At this point, the interview was interrupted by a loud and grating dubstep noise. The officer whose phone blared the crappy ringtone quickly excused himself and took the call.

"And now I see. When the law tried to take us down, she just took a step back. Without me, WITHOUT ME, WITHOUT ME!!!" he howled, bursting into tears.

Reeve Tsui faces a maximum of 15 years in prison.


UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.