UnNews:Grammar school students glue themselves to an exhibition room wall

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Monday, October 17, 2022

London – In London, two schoolboys from London have thrown disgusting British tomato soup at an oil painting in the National Gallery of London. They then superglued their left hands to the exhibition room wall and gave a speech about oil to the confused audience.

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Unclear statement[edit | edit source]

At the moment it is not yet known what the children wanted to tell us with their action. Possibly they wanted to demonstrate against the use of fossil fuels and the resulting climate change. They may also have wanted to protest against rising oil prices. Since the latest EU sanctions package includes an oil price cap for Russian oil, the Opec Plus countries have reacted with an oil production cap. Furthermore, it still is a mystery why an oil painting had to be smeared with tomato soup. Oil painting, because of oil heh heh, got the pun, but tomato soup? Huh??? This whole thing might also be about the Ukraine conflict. Van Gogh always used the finest sunflower oil from the Ukraine for his sunflower oil paintings. However, since the beginning of the special military operation, the West has suffered from sun oil scarcity, causing British restaurants to cook their already yucky french fries in even unhealthier transformer oil.

Professor Brush of the Burningham Academy of Art issued a statement that the message of a work of art, or in this case an art performance, does not have to be clear at all. In the case of post-modern doodle art, the statement is even forbidden from being clear. Art is supposed to be interpreted ambiguously, art is esoteric and art is always in the eye of the beholder.

Outdated security concept[edit | edit source]

How could the soup even be brought into the gallery? According to initial findings from Scotland Yard, the two students were asked about the cans at the admission control. The Beefeater on duty at the entrance to the museum mistook them for beer cans, but the children convinced him they were tomato soup, and as consuming tomato soup in the museum does not violate any written rule, the door guard had to let them in. According to the masonry worker, no one could have guessed that the soup was to be used in an act of terrorism. In the future, the security concept is to be tightened, so all school children seeking entry will be strip-searched by a hunchbacked orc.

Consequences for the students[edit | edit source]

While the Soup Toss performance was still being broadcast live on the BBC, Professor Brush of Burningham Academy of Arts signed an art scholarship for the two kids to study art at Burningham Academy of Arts. In his eyes, the work of the two young artists meets exactly the demands of today's art market. Any art student who still shows up these days at the art school’s entrance exam with little pictures of sunflowers in their art portfolio is personally driven out of the door by him with a whip.

However, the two young artists also got a taste of the whip today. When the museum director rushed into the hall, the fun was over for the two little cuties. Without any mercy he whipped the poor, defenseless little children with the cat-o'-nine-tails. Oh, what they had to suffer! Their wailing could be heard as far away as Moscow. Vladimir Vladimirovič Putin shuddered to the core. "That's what you get for gluing yourself to the wall," the museum director yelled, "Now you can't even run away, you bloody idiots."

After the Victorian corporal punishment of the children, the museum director picked up the phone to personally ask the Queen how he could remove their hands from the wall without damaging the precious antique world heritage wall. However as one might expect, the Queen did not answer the phone because she is dead. So the museum director switched over to plan B. With the big old thumb-sucker scissors in his hands, breathing heavily, he crept slowly towards the frightened children in order to cut off at the wrist their left hand, that they had glued to the wall. Since the scissors had not been used for a long time and were already very blunt, the museum director had to try several times. The bones crunched and cracked. Outside, a thunderstorm roared with flash and thunder. The children cried in agony. Their heartwrenching screams could be heard as far away as Moscow. Vladimir Vladimirovič Putin wept bitter tears. “You won’t do that again, understand?” the museum director ranted, “Or else I’ll cut off your other hand, too”. Then he grabbed the little brats by their neck and flung them out of the door.

Professor Brush from the Burningham Academy of Art was also enthusiastic about this second art performance. The prospective art students' post-modern gaga oil performance was taken up and continued and supplemented using a pre-modern, medieval theme. This resulted in a collective overall performance under a Creative Commons license. He suggested that the hands should remain forever glued under the sunflower image, and that the tomato soup should never be wiped off.

Sources[edit | edit source]

  • see YT video above