UnNews:Game developer Capcom fails in plan to kill all black people
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 August 2007
Today, successful video game designer Shinji Mikami has been arrested by Japanese police officers working with the International Coalition for Racial Equality (ICRE), on charges of conspiracy to commit genocide via subliminal messaging.
An ICRE spokesperson, Daniel Jeiner, told press that Mikami had been planning to use his highly anticipated game Resident Evil 5 to turn untold millions of unsuspecting children into bloodthirsty, African-American-hating bigots. The game portrays a single white man killing large numbers of crazed black people, who Mikami had previously described as zombies. However, these 'zombies' showed very few of the proper features that a zombie should have. They weren't rotting, didn't appear to like brains, and instead of the correct gray skin they were of course black. I mean, they didn't even shamble! What kind of zombie doesn't shamble?
Soon, thanks to the daring agents of ICRE, secret information from Capcom's head office was released to the Japanese police and later to the public. The true reason for releasing Resident Evil 5 was to create a whole generation of racist white children. It is well known, of course, that video games are played primarily by children aged 4-8, a time when they are particularly impressionable. According to Jeiner, "The kids who played this monstrous game would all, without fail, grow up hating African Americans with a vengeance, even if all other influences were positive regarding African Americans. The Columbine shootings were caused by videogames. Just ask my good friend Jack Thompson. Imagine those shootings but a thousand times worse and aimed exclusively at African Americans."
Shinji Mikami, the mastermind behind the plan, was despondent about being caught and spoke to the press quite willingly. When questioned about his motivation, he replied: "It's not that black people have ever done anything to me. I just feel so bad about myself that I transfer that feeling onto whatever I can. I can't hate the Japanese because I am Japanese. So the only thing I can do is hate blacks." he added that he was very angry at ICRE for foiling his plans. "A pure white world! It was within my grasp! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"
Since the arrest, other minority groups have begun 'coming out of the woodwork', claiming that they, too, have been discriminated against by Capcom. Ms. Camellia Smile, a representative of the minority group the Heaven Smiles, said this: "Capcom has pursued a campaign of discrimination and racism against Heaven Smiles through its video game "Killer7". This game involves killing large numbers of Heaven Smiles in violent and gory ways." Ms. Smile went on to say that she was concerned about the image of Heaven Smiles in the media overall. "I mean, just because our only purpose is to kill every living thing on the planet by suicide bombing them, doesn't mean that we should have to face this kind of discrimination." When questioned further about the matter, Ms. Smile screamed, ran away at top speed and exploded.
Another group complaining about Capcom's alleged racism is the demons, natives of Hell. A spokesperson, Al'Kash Bloodthirst, told the press: "Capcom has persecuted us demons for far too long, with the blatant racist messages in their Devil May Cry series. In some areas of the world, a demon can no longer leave his home without some gamer knocking him up into the air and busting out a sweet combo with nearly 1k hits. And believe me, this is a very degrading experience for the demon." Neither is this racism limited to one series of games. "Capcom also portrays mass demon slaughter in Okami. Granted, only 17 people actually bought that game, but it's the principle that matters."
Many other members of Capcom have been detained pending charges. Mikami himself is already expected to face the death penalty.