UnNews:Fucking children inexplicably fails to make new Catholic sin list

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 March 2008

"I'm the leader of the gang," stated Archbishop Glitter earlier today.

MY FAVOURITE ROOM, Vatican City, Monday (UNN) — The Vatican has brought the traditional seven deadly sins up to date, and added seven modern mortal sins for an era of "unstoppable globalisation." Sins risking eternal punishment now include drug pushing, accumulating excessive wealth (excepting of course large organised religions based in Rome) and violation of fundamental rights of human nature, such as wanting to fuck children.

Officers of the Church raping children, and the organisation systematically covering it up, has, inexplicably, failed to make the list. Archbishop Gareth Glitter brushed off the huge number of documented cases of such worldwide, where the priests' defence lawyers were even paid for by the Church, as "exaggerations by the mass media aimed at discrediting the Church. It was them that did this! LA LA LA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that "immediately after death the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell, except of course child-molesting priests, who are moved to another parish."

Catholics are supposed to confess their sins to a priest at least once a year. The priest absolves them in God's name, and then fucks their children.

"We are losing the notion of sin," said Archbishop Glitter. "If people do not confess regularly, they risk slowing their spiritual rhythm. So to speak."

"I eagerly await the religious trying to paint me as some sort of extremist yet again," commented Richard Dawkins.

Sources

• Fr. Gerald O'Pederast "Do Ya Wanna Touch Me" Where?, March 10, 2008