UnNews:Flash Gordon Invades Kingdom Hearts
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 June 2006
It was a cool summer day and all was happy in Kingdom Hearts. Mice were making tea, Lewis Carrol was not there because he's dead, and nerds were rejoicing over their newly instated king, Sora.
However, one man would tolerate this peace no longer. His name: Flash Gordon. He had been watching this kingdom for quite a while, and finally he had enough of this retarded happiness. So in his pure manliness state, he boarded his own personal spacecraft, which was attended by birdmen. He then headed straight for Kingdom Hearts.
Riku, one of the higher members of that society noticed a large spacecraft coming down from the air. He quickly ran to inform the king, but the king was busy finding a place that his keyblade would open. I mean, seriously, if you had a giant key, wouldn't you think there would be a giant door somewhere to open? Also, since the door would be giant, you'd think there would be something pretty significant in there. Well anyway, he was being a retard and because of that, Flash was able to land more easily.
Flash got off the ship, wielding only a football and a revolver, and commanded the bird people not to fight because this was personal. "I was really sad I couldn't go forth and kill a bunch of children's heroes... but I guess it's for the best" said one bird person. And so, the bird people obeyed and instead just flew around laughing at everyone dying as Flash plowed through their ranks.
Anywho, eventually Sora got bored of searching for the keyhole and asked what else there was to do. Riku mentioned that their kingdom was being invaded by a crazed manly football player, and that the frontlines (well all lines, for you see, Flash had just done a barrel roll through the front line so he could get into the center and kill things quicker and in more directions) had already been almost obliterated.
Sora, accompanied by Riku, ran out to the battle, smelling fresh lemon pinesol in the air (That is the blood of Disney characters). He then commanded Riku to attack, where Riku was then clobbered in the face with a football. His fangirls, which followed him everywhere, saw that the bruise from the football had made his faced look deformed, and soon tore him apart for having his looks betray them. LYKE ZOMIG0Sh heEEs Lyk3 T3H H4wT3RnS btyz nt n0 M0rE" said one after ripping Riku apart.
So it was up to Sora. Sora ran bravely into battle against Flash Gordon, but was grabbed by the neck and held in the air while the bird people above laughed at him. While this was happening, Fayt Leingod was randomly walking by, so Flash stuck his revolver at him because he despised Fayt's unmanliness. "Is that a camera? Please, I already have enough bad press on me... if the guys at my school hear about this, they'll beat me up more..." commented Fayt.
How will this conflict end? None know. Why did it occur? Because something was too childish for the real world.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- This Guy "Original Reporting" Sunday, June 3rd, 2006, June 4th, 2006