UnNews:Finding: Hip-Hop largely Homosexual
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 February 2008
NEW YORK CITY, NY – Rappers, and more generally, black men, are gay. That is the finding of a new paper released Tuesday morning from the Institute for Urban Research, more commonly known as BlackWatch. The news comes on the heels of a recently released report of the increase in rappers’ spending habits. According to the latter report, more fur coats, alligator-skinned footwear, and precious stone-studded drinking chalices have been sold this year than any other since the late 17th century. The report pinpoints black men, specifically rappers, as the reason for this surge. Many were outraged.
“I ain’t no homo!”, retorted Lil’ Wayne via phone from his newly purchased mega-mansion on Fire Island in New York. “This is just another conspiracy by ‘Tha Man’ to undermine something that black people connect to”. But, in more than one case, the conspiracy arrow points toward Hip-Hop. It has long been thought to be the “den of dudedom”, with so many misogynistic recording artists. Many have come to suspect that the misogyny and anger are signs of overcompensation. “These rappers hide themselves behind guns, profanity and women”, argued Michael Benson, the professor who headed the research project, “but the truth is out there. Now they will be too”.
The report mainly focuses on rappers’ choices in apparel, citing their love of jewelry and expensive footwear. More broadly, the study cited that black men in general are largely a homosexual brood, and was subsequently unable to conclude how the community was able to produce so many children. The possibilities offered were the possibility that the men were having unprotected sex with women to “more aptly imitate heterosexual male behavior in an over compensatory attempt to cover up their true sexual preferences”, or the possibility that “as few as 12 black men may have fathered all of the current black children in the United States under age sixteen”. Even Michael Jackson was mentioned, due to his “failed marriages and relationships” with women and his “uncomfortably close relationship” with Elizabeth Taylor. Additionally, black men’s love of fur coats and obsession with fragrances contributed to the research. The popular singer Usher Raymond served as a hearty example in the research.
Young black men were cited by the report as having the highest occurrence of homosexuality and cross-dressing within their ranks, noting that the youth often wear shirts or over-shirts that extend down to their knees, a masculine mimicking of a dress, and wear shorts down to their ankles in the summer, defeating their purpose by turning them into high-water pants, but ultimately mimicking the popular Capri pants that women wear. As well, they often wear sizeable diamond-earrings in both ears. This is in addition to the diamond-studded jewelry and watches. The increase rate of murder is due to the increased degree of overcompensation in this age group.
Furthermore, the report mentions how both rappers and black men in general, are routinely seen wearing pink shirts and sneakers, as well as other flamboyant colors, and their posturing is already well-documented.
Recently, the case was placed in point when a young black man was arrested by police after a robbery. Though the police on the ground lost him, he was easily tracked by a police helicopter, which followed the glints from his diamond-studded watch and the reflection of his white sneakers as he made his escape in a pink jumpsuit. When finally hauled in, he unleashed a profanity-laced tirade that Professor Benson cited as the consummate over compensatory display. “It doesn’t get clearer than that” the professor sniped.
Ultimately, the debate will continue, as no one is willing to admit the fact, and there is no truly scientific way to prove the findings. Still, the results are strongly persuasive, and Professor Benson makes a cogent argument.
“Time will tell”, he offered. “Or a jilted lover will”.
