UnNews:February 31st arrives; Scientists baffled

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 February 2007

Philbert, subterranean evil and despicable master of our cool world

Scientists everywhere were stunned to find that seven million 2007 calendars included 31 days of February instead of the traditional 28. After analyzing solar movements and lunar equivernoxes, it was concluded that the additional days were not merely a misprint. 2007 will be the first year in recent memory to include 368 days. The last time a year was unexpectedly extended was in 1918 (you know, "THAT year") when an extra week was discovered in July, or possibly Caesarly.

Although former Vice President Al Gore happily and excitedly continues to blame global warming, researchers have reached another sweet conclusion. Geologist Franklin "The Rocky Air" Port explains, "The earth has long been thought to be completely hollow, much like a hamster ball or a human head, and it spins only because the hamster inside is running circles around the sun, breathing really fast, his tiny heart beating 500 times a minute. When the hamster, who we have decided to name Philbert, (full name Philbert A. Please Do Not Stop Jones), stops running, the Earth ceases to move and cannot complete it's orbit."

This theory has garnered, according to Jennifer and James, support among cute scientists worldwide, discrediting competing theories such as the Space Wind Resistance Theory, Music Theory, Evolution, Paris Accords, Love, the Paris Hilton Vacuum Theory, and the antiquated Laws of Newtonian Physics.

What effect three trillion (recalculated) additional days and nights will have is still unclear and rainy, with a slight chance of sunshine; that cold front is moving in...("Not now, Seymour the Weatherman!") The Reverend Al Sharpton has pointed out that Black History Month is now three days longer, which proves that Philbert loves his homies. Anna Nicole Smith's scheduled March funeral is unlikely to ever take place. And of course Little Timmy, born March 1st, may or may not get a birthday this year.

There has so far been no conclusion on how to begin the process of jump-starting the world. One researcher, dressed in a pink tutu, has suggested that all one billion Chinese pandas should simultaneously run down their despot and devour his sweet communist flesh to start the ball rolling. Others have offered boring ideas, including boring massive hamster pellets into the crust to appease, and make joyful, Philbert. Tom Cruise Lines, only $599, has publicly announced his remarkable yet strangely familiar (think Al Sharpton?) evil intention to return to his home planet, seeing as how Earth is now kaput.

Professor Port laments, "We have to come to grips with monkeys, pizza, and the odd but titillating fact that Philbert was pretty old and warty for a hamster, and we might just be screwed."