UnNews:Father John Murphy assured of elevation to Pope

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 February 2013

"Dats me in dose white satin duds and a cross worth more than what ya make in a lifetime, just standing and smiling in front of dis here Pollack" Father Murphy said. "I'll be blessing ya with a wave of my hand in no time, mark my words."

Vatican City, ROMA - "I'm measuring da drapes in da Papal apartment now, but don't think for a minute I didn't have dose measurements the second John Paul da Great croaked his adios into my ear," said Father John Murphy, the holder of the keys of St. Peter and the right-hand man to Pope Benedict XVI. Murphy, who has already strong-armed the College of Cardinals in excited anticipation of the death of Pope Benedict - "If he hadn't quit he would have been pushed" Murphy told a young boy as the lad handed him his phone number - is expected to be anointed Pope as soon as the new conclave sits down in their seats in March.

"Whenever dat golden throne is vacant," Murphy told CNN's Anderson Cooper, "ya can't move around the Vatican without seeing da jackals and da buzzards sniffin' around and circlin'. But not dis time. Da deal is cut and all we need to do now is look up at da smoke."

"You are never one to mince words, Your Holiness," Cooper said, bending over to kiss Murphy's ring and then his Pollack, "so tell our viewing audience, what changes will you make in the Vatican and throughout the Mother church."

"Ya tink I'm gonna spill da beans now, to a flamer?" Murphy laughed while gulping scotch from a chalice and writing on a napkin 'Lower da age of consent in da Vatican to 10'. "You do knows dat da last time one of da boys in white talked about what he was gonna do, da Swiss Guard came around in da middle of da night for a 'routine bed check'".

"Are you speaking of Pope John Paul I, who died unexpectedly of natural causes a month after his election," Cooper said while laying prostrate on the floor.

"Da do-gooder, iz what we called him around heres," Murphy said, placing the young boy's number into a crowded rolodex. "I told da do-gooder right off da bat, I said 'Luciani, don't do nuttin to rock da boat, capice?' Ya think he listened? Forget about it!"

The interview ended abruptly as Cooper was led out of the room by four burly priests and a nun who looked to be packing heat.