UnNews:Famous athlete comes out of the closet
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 February 2014
Shanghai, China -- The sports world was rocked yesterday when one of the greatest athletes of all time came out of the closet. He is the first badminton player to officially come out before retiring. "I'm proud of who I am and I'm strong enough to deal with whatever anyone will throw at me," said Chan Lee. When asked if he had a girlfriend his cheeks blushed and he avoided the question.
Chan had admitted what everyone in the badminton world already knew. He had been spotted going to strip clubs and was seen in the back of a limo with five supermodels. "My teammates even went with me to straight bars. They were really supportive."
Chan's news has made world headlines and he is expected to appear on the Man Show tonight along with Dennis Rodman and David Beckham, fellow athletes who stunned the world when they admitted they were straight. Chan is known as one of the most macho badminton players on the circuit. He has clocked a birdie faster than five kilometres per hour and is known to win a match in less than three seconds.
Asked if his teammates would be comfortable in the shower room they danced around the question. A teammate commented on terms of anonymity that there are worries even if not publicly expressed. "I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be in the shower with a guy who wasn't staring at my balls or massaging my back while I sud up. But...I think we'll have to evolve and grow and get used to stinky testosterone mixing with our cucumber bubble wash."
Chan is expected to win gold at the Sochi winter Olympics this weekend for the seventeenth month in a row. He is already being courted by the likes of somewhat known and moderately attractive Mongolian singers and Guatemalan Actresses. Chan will be careful not to let all of the attention go to his head. "I'm still the same Chan. My badminton arm hasn't changed even if I think about vaginas instead of anuses."
President Wong of China made no comment yesterday on the story, which is considered very good news in China. Meanwhile President Obama condemned the announcement claiming that now is not the time for badminton athletes to mix sport with sexuality. Obama claimed that this stunt is just a distraction that takes peoples eyes off the thrill of badminton and instead onto Chan's slightly formed smooth Chinese chest and pickled legs.