UnNews:Ex-IMF phallus Strauss-Kahn freed, maid arrested
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 July 2011
NEW YORK CITY -- Former IMF high phallus, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, has been released from house arrest and had his $6 trillion (£3.7 trillion) digital bail deleted returned, unrelated reporter's reports reported.
Prosecutors, faced with shocking new evidence, agreed that Mr. Strauss-Kahn should be released “hands free,” meaning he must keep his hands off the hired help – at least during his stay in New York, a city where any form of touching between humans is strictly prohibited since Freddy Mercury’s visit back in the early eighties.
Strauss-Kahn was accused of sexually assaulting a maid in a New York hotel on 14 May. But the case is reported to be close to collapsing after serious doubts arose about the credibility of his accuser.
The 62-year-old French wanker, who had been seen as a leading candidate for the Nobel Piece-of-arse Prize, appeared in court in New York on Friday over the sexual assault case. But the new evidence revealed quite a different story than was initially recorded. The new evidence also corroborated Strauss-Kahn’s alibi.
According to Strauss-Kahn, the cleaning lady accosted him while he was taking a shower and he was forced, at broom-point, to give oral gratification to the maid, who is actually an African transvestite. Moreover, DNA double testing of semen found as evidence on her clothes proves that it was her his own.
Among the submissions were revelations that the maid gave false testimony to a grand jury, omitting the fact that she had been hired by mysterious Greek snoops to accost and frame the French playboy mere days before the so called rape took place. She also failed to mention that she was actually a “he.”
After assessing these disclosures by prosecutors from the office of the Manhattan district attorney, a judge rescinded the strict bail terms and released Mr. Strauss-Kahn. The maid was then arrested, without bail, and placed in the transsexual wing of Riker’s Jail until Strauss-Kahn could file charges against her, him, it, for rape and for unlawful exposure to the AIDS infection.
“I understand that the circumstances of this case have changed substantially and I agree that the case seems to be reversed. I hereby release Strauss-Kahn and place the maid under arrest.
“We believe the next step will lead to the complete dismissal of all charges against Strauss-Kahn,” he added. “Although we can’t confirm that he did not contract the AIDS virus.”
After Friday's hearing, Mr. Strauss-Kahn strode out of court smiling, with his wife on his arm wearing a huge frown.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Ex-IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn freed without bail" BBC News, July 2, 2011