UnNews:E-stonia bans internet
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 August 2006
Estonia, also known as E-stonia, (AP) -- The government of E-stonia issued a surprise edict yesterday, banning all citizens from using the Internet for at least 2 months.
"We have no need for the Devil's tool!", railed E-stonia's 2nd President, Arnold Oksmaa bin Laden. Although bin Laden implied that the ban is a result of religious fervor, skeptics speculated that the lack of Internet services is actually the result of a pizza truck crashing to the main network singularity.
The Parliament, however, confirmed the official report and said the Internet will stay banned "as long as needed".
The U.N., Madagascar, and Sri Lanka have already called a meeting with representatives of Halliburton to help the Internet-starving Estonian citizens. There have been unconfirmed reports that the U.N. is planning to use the Death Star's Wireless Network to cover Estonia's mainland.
However, an anonymous expert at Y.M.C.A., named Gerrold Tuner, says this will not be sufficient. "The islands will be completely out of Death Star's range and the mainland will be covered partially. It's easy to read the news here on the internet but think of the poor E-stonian citizens who won't be able to buy from E-Bay, send birthday e-mails, or download the Devil's porn... I mean, it's just horrible."
It is curious that the ban is only for Estonian citizens. Immigrants and wookies actually experienced an increase in their allowed bandwidth (now exceeding 2KB/s). A former communist party member and immigrant, Stjopa Zuhhovitš, commented:"They deserved it. All of them. Without immigrants and wookies on the Internet, this place would be a pure shit pile."