UnNews:Driverless Cars 'Not Quite Ready Yet'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 January 2008

Detroit, Michigan: GM's vice president for research and development claims that GM will be offering a 'driverless' car within the next decade if they can work out a few critical details and glitches. "This is not science fiction." said Burns. "Yes, we have a few obstacles to overcome, but by 2018 our driverless cars will be on the road."

GM claims the advances in electronic wizardry will result in a 'completely autonomous vehicle' with the ability to take passengers from one point to another without a single human finger being lifted once the destination is programed in. "We got very interested when the US Defense Department offered a competition entered by 35 teams, including GM's.

"Wow! We could see the potential for this right away." said Burns. "Here's a chance to make obsolete all of previous models in one fell swoop! Just think of the profits that would mean for GM."

Burns says many problems stem from their being programmed by humans with human foibles.

"We send some out to their destinations and when they don't arrive we search for them and find them parked at bars. We've found some together in lovers' lanes at times - just sitting there all lonely and empty . Fast food joints, donut shops, beauty shops and shopping malls and so forth are other places we can find them." he said. "You wouldn't believe it!"

"We even found one at a notorious whorehouse! He exclaimed. "But, we're working on those human glitches and will iron them out in time."

Other problems are in the software controlling the cars. "One odd thing is their fascination with lube jobs. We've had them showing up at service stations and mechanic's shops all over the place, flashing their lights and their onboard computers loudly demanding they be lubed 'and right damned now!' That's a quirky one we still haven't got a handle on."

"We've had a couple go swimming in the ocean." he said. "If passengers had been aboard that could have been a little dicey I suppose, but we're gonna get all that worked out in time."

Burns says sometimes a driverless cars may damage another fighting over a parking space. "The only thing they have to fight with is the car itself, so they start ramming each other and do a lot of damage." he said. "But the worst one so far was a car that got into a hassle with one of those Seguy things. It was awful; wheels spread everywhere, engine parts hanging from the roof - like a scrapyard in there."

"And there went our experimental car, just like that."

Sources

• Chi T. Bang-bang "Driver-less car program 'Wheely' off track" CNN, 8/1/2008