UnNews:Doomed Astronauts Optimistic
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 July 2006
HOUSTON, Texas -- Astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery, which lifted off on July 4, remain optimistic about their chances for a safe return to Earth, despite the fact that they're all pretty much doomed to die in a hellish hail of explosive fire when the Shuttle disintegrates upon re-entry.
"I guess I've just always been a 'glass half full' kinda guy," said the soon-to-be-late Shuttle Commander, Capt. Rick Martinson. "Sure, we got hit with a little foam on lift-off, but that doesn't mean we're guaranteed to blow up. I figure we have a very good chance of returning safely to Earth. Maybe even as high as fifty-fifty."
Capt. Martinson was referring to several chunks of insulating foam the size of Volkswagens that slammed into the rickety, aging Shuttle shortly after launch, gouging huge fissures in the wings and superstructure of the ship. Along with the foam, the Shuttle was also hit by four Canadian snow geese, a hang glider, and a semi-trailer truck filled with old, hardback copies of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Mission Control Supervisor, Ned Waring, said, "We don't anticipate the astronauts having any trouble completing their mission prior to the explosion during re-entry. In fact, depending on how things develop with the North Korean situation, they might have a little extra job to do as they plummet to a firey death."
Shuttle mission sponsor, Tang, has pulled advertising for the remaining Shuttle flights, noting that it was getting harder and harder to find spokespersons for the product after they were all burned to a crisp.
Services for the astronauts are expected to be held two weeks from next Sunday. Check your local TV listings.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Johnny Carson "U.S. Shuttle Fleet a Rotting Pile of Shit?" Newsweek Magazine, July 5, 2006
- Jim Reaper "Shuttle Pre-Crash Helmet Sales Brisk" Reuters Newswire, July 5, 2006