UnNews:Dodgeball tragedy: 16 people 'out'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 June 2007
BRISTOL, England -- Police are still baffled about the identity of the “Dodgeball Fiend,” who, according to Police spokesman Charles Meyers, got 7 people ‘out’ yesterday, bringing the total number of victims to 16. “We have to remain vigilant in the face of such an overwhelming tragedy,” Meyers said to the Associated Press. Clues for the police are scanty- the only important piece of evidence found was a single red rubber ball. The ball is being scanned for fingerprints in Police Headquarters.
The Fiend[edit | edit source]
“Unfortunately, we know little about the [Dodgeball] fiend’s methods,” said Meyers. “We have no clear motive here.” The Fiend seems to strike when the victims are alone, assaulting them by popping out from some cover and hurling the red, textured ball at them. “It’s a classic ‘mystery sports case,’” said criminologist Jeffrey Troffler. “If you look back, you could easily find similarities between the ‘Dodgeball Fiend’ and the ‘Phantom Quarterback,’ who hurled footballs at his victims. Thankfully, the police acted quickly and brought him to justice after only 3 people were spiked. Though that case happened back in 1962, you can see the parallels there.”
The Victims[edit | edit source]
The Fiend’s first victim was housepainter Rick Dellinger, but the ‘out’ seemed to pass under most news outlet’s radars. However, the fourth victim, Michael Stevens, a Civil Engineer from Canterbury, gained major media coverage for his heroics, diving in front of his wife, who was a target of the Fiend, and almost catching the ball. Stevens bobbled the ball and sent it flying off his knee. “That was one brave man,” said Meyers.
’Preventing Outs’[edit | edit source]
Meyers has advised everyone to travel in groups and carry their own rubber ball. “We need to lessen this guy’s impact,” he said. “We need to prevent outs.” The police have also offered a 5000 Euro reward to anyone who can provide information leading to the fiend’s arrest. “Clearly, we will stop at nothing to bring this man to justice,” said Meyers. “Let’s hope nobody else gets ‘Out.’”