UnNews:Dick Cheney Wipes Ass with Constitution

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 July 2007

Very likely a trick, but this is what occurs when you clean your camera lens with holy water.

As an addition to all of the shocking things that Dick Cheney has done in his life, including telling a whole room full of people to go fuck themselves, shooting a man in the face, forcing that man to apologize to HIM, making the President of the United States give him a blowjob (the President actually paid Cheney for that privilege), selling Haliburton and Iraq to Satan, and killing Jesus with his bare hands, this is probably the worst thing he has done so far, according to Jesus, who recently resurrected himself. Reportedly, Dick Cheney was finally caught wiping his ass with The Constitution of the United States by a hidden camera planted by Alex Jones, that retarded guy who started the 9-11 truth movement.

The videotape received exactly 10 minutes of publicity, no more, no less, before it was discovered, subpoenaed, and classified as a threat to national security. Nevertheless, about 124 million people saw the videotapes, of which 200 managed to survive the assassination attempts of the CIA and Nuck Chorris, the top-secret government clone of Chuck Norris.

(Note:New writer from this point on. Original writer was shot in the face by Dick Cheney.)

Pinko liberals all over the country are preaching the evils of this great administration that sacrificed so much in order to protect us. I'll admit, it's sacrifices didn't hurt them as much as it hurt us, but they're republican, so they're always right. Cheney's wiping of his ass with that outdated piece of scrap paper was a symbolic gesture as to say that a scrap of old flaky brown parchment would not protect the soft-bellied, weak-minded people that live in this country admiring people like Paris Hilton, celebrating gayness, and promoting illegal immigration! I will not allow the white christian male power structure to be destroyed by a bunch of wetbacks and niggers!

(Note:Bill O'Reilly, the second writer of this article, was eaten by a crazed fat ugly lesbian liberal. New writer from this point on.)

Approximately 103% of Americans consider this an outrage. Samuel L. Jackson, shitty actor, said "THIS MOTHAFUCKIN' SHIT IS A MOTHAFUCKIN' SHAME! THIS IS WHAT THAT MOTHAFUCKA THINKS ABOUT OUR MOTHAFUCKIN' DEMOCRACY MOTHAFUCKA? YES HE DESERVES TO DIE! AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL! DRINK MY MOTHAFUCKIN' BEER MOTHAFUCKA!" Osama Bin Laden, who we managed to track down in less than a day (The smell of onions wasn't too hard to follow.), said "Even I didn't expect him to say that. He's doing our job for us." Untranslated, it sounded like "durkadurkadurka Mohammed Jihad."

My Word

I sympathize with the Jihadists. America and its leaders are pretty evil. We should not be in Iraq, slaughtering the freedom fighters. Right-wingers do much more damage than terrorists. 911 wasn't that bad. I applaud the terrorists for having to go through all of those evil Americans that voted for George Bush instead of a liberal that we could've influenced to do our bidding. Christians are evil! Jihadists are just misunderstood! T-

(Note: Rosie O'Donnell, the third writer of this article, was killed by a nuke, the only thing that can kill all 4.2 million pounds of her. Hillary Clinton, who happened to be making out with O'Donnell when the Nukes were launched, was killed also. At least we are now sure that Hillary's a lesbian.)

Sources

• Some pinko liberal "The Antichrist: Is It Alive Today?" The Vatican, August 20, 1337

• Some retarded wingnut "Some shitty piece of paper." U.S.A., June 6, 666