UnNews:Cyrus stopped by 40,000 masturbating old men

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

23 September 2013

Tragically, since the VMA awards, Miley's tongue has become trapped in this position.

Miley Cyrus' string of raunchy promos is set to come to an end, after a Facebook group called "Old men masturbating for Miley" amassed 40,000 members in a single week.

The former Hanna Montana star, who has recently raised eyebrows by shaking her backside at Canadian mass-rape suspect Robin Thicke and filming a music video consisting entirely of provocative poses on a construction site, is privately said to be "mortified" by the page's popularity and extreme content.

Group founder Gregory Ford told UnNews, "I was masturbating over her new video - you know that scene where she is butt naked on top of the wrecking ball? I imagine the wrecking ball is, like, my inflated ball sack, and the chain is my penis. All I need to picture is her bald mound - and I know it's bald - on the underside of my shaft, and I am good to go. Sorry, what was I talking about?"

"Oh yeah, the group. So after I came - you know those little moments of reflection you have after ejaculating - it suddenly dawned on me that she probably wouldn't like the idea of a balding, overweight man slinging his muck all across his plasma screen in her honor, and I started to feel alone. So I formed the group, and it turns out, in my demographic in my hometown, old men who masturbate over Miley Cyrus are actually in the majority."