UnNews:Congress questions Senator's knighthood

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An artist's rendition of Kennedy, moments after his knighting.

7 March 2009

MERRY OLDE ENGLAND - Many members of the United States Congress are questioning this week's honorary knighting of Senator Ted Kennedy (D - Massachusetts). While many seem indifferent towards Kennedy's new title, and some even have offered congratulations to the Senator, most of his fellow lawmakers are not so happy about the development. "He's a legislator from this country. The constitution strictly forbids that any person holding an office of government is not allowed to accept gifts, titles, or sexual favors from heads of state," said Mary Ackerbloom (R - Indiana).

Article 1, Section 9 of the US Constitution clearly states that "no title of nobility shall be granted by the United States, not even seemingly frivolous ones such as Duke of Awesome. Furthermore, no type of voluntary gift, bestowed title, or voluntary or involuntary sexual congress shall be recognized as okay by this constitution." The first sentence of the article is a direct knock on James Madison, who attempted to append several ridiculous titles to the end of his name in an attempt "to score that hottie, Dolly." The second part of the passage expresses the distrust many early lawmakers had of other countries, especially France.

When asked what the reason was for the seemingly uncalled-for ruckus concerning the honorary title of one of the nation's most long-tenured officials, many different reasons were given. "Are you kidding? He's a knight of the British Empire now!" said Chuck Wood (H - South Carolina). "Do you realize that this means he has to follow the code of knightly chivalrous conduct set in place hundreds of years ago?" Other legislators shared Senator Wood's sentiments. "He can't go off slaying dragons and rescuing damsels in distress in the middle of lawmaking sessions," said Edward Carbonza ($ - New Mexico). Senator Kennedy was unavailable for comment during today's legislative hearings, as the code of chivalry had dictated he engaged in fisticuffs with a fellow Senator who had insulted the Queen.