UnNews:Communist kindergartens disgust local welder

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 October 2008

HARRISBURG, PA -- For Randall McTexas, the subversive socialism of first grade has gone on for long enough. The Harrisburg welder, proprietor of local business McTexas & Sons, counts himself as a "proud American," so was disgusted when he visited Thomas Morris Chester School with his son only to uncover a broad Marxist conspiracy. Upon arrival, prospective student Broderick McTexas (5) was invited to the drawing table by teacher Shona Wagstaff. Mr. McTexas went to remove a drawing pad and a new packet of crayons from his son's bag, but was stopped by Miss Wagstaff who said Randall would "share with the other kids."

These children will grow up waving the white flag of surrender.

"It was horrifying," Mr. McTexas recalls. But a class set of drawing materials was only the tip of the iceburg. "There were several boys in one corner sharing Matchbox cars, and two girls on the mat reading from the same picture book." McTexas then witnessed Miss Wagstaff remove a paint set from an obnoxious, heavy-set boy and return it to a group of smaller children with easels. "She redistributed. That kid had legitimately taken advantage of his weaker classmates -- it's survival of the fittest! Not that I believe in Darwin," he quickly adds, fingering a cross hanging beneath his open polo shirt.

Seething with rage, McTexas remained composed and allowed Broderick to continue drawing. When Miss Wagstaff gathered the children together to indoctrinate them from a book about caterpillars, McTexas took the opportunity to sneak into the teacher's office. "I sensed that it was all a part of something bigger," he claims. What he found certainly seems to indicate that his hunch was correct. Spread across a desk was a range of documents bearing the letterhead of the Kindergartens Association of Ruston, Louisiana (KARL), an organisation that professes to "instill values of community and consideration" in the youth of America. "It's a communist organisation, named for Marx, which hates apple pie and baseball, among other American things," says Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed, between bites of a bald eagle and buffalo sandwich. McTexas has similar concerns. "If these kids grow up sharing and compromising, how is America going to carry on taking and winning?"

McTexas and his wife Sylvia are spearheading the anti-KARL campaign in Harrisburg, with "No KARL for my kids" bumper stickers and random fire-bombings of colourful classrooms at area schools. They are also setting up a conservative think-tank to investigate the liberal politicising of grade-schoolers, which would advocate compulsory military training for infants and the beatification of Senator Joe McCarthy.

The discovery of a secret organisation promoting communitarian ideals to children has not gone unnoticed by the presidential candidates. Senator Barack Obama attended a kindergarten tied to KARL for a year as a youth. Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin today questioned whether Americans could trust a man who had associated with the organisation so freely. "If this communist, anti-American organisation has fulfilled its promises, then our socialist opponent probably shares its un-American values," Palin said at a campaign rally in Dunedin, Florida. "A senator who genuinely cares about the welfare of other people is too dangerous for America."

Sources

• "KARL may be touching your kids" ABC News, October 30, 2008