UnNews:Cold wave hits Canada, global warming in doubt
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 January 2014
OTTAWA, Ontario -- A cold wave of unprecedented proportions has hit the Land of the Flying Moose recently, with millennium-old records being unceremoniously smashed. Rumors abound to the effect that the cold spell originated from a factory producing the Polar Bear Ice Packs™, where a worker inadvertently left a door open. The rumour was quickly quashed as the harsh weather continued long after the door had been closed. Local reporters were prompt to pick up on the story since it literally hit them in the face as soon as they left their houses. The news piece soon made it to the front page of various newspapers outlets.
"Global warming must be a hoax!" titled the Globe and Mail. "Global warming trolololol!" printed the more simplistic Toronto Sun.
An UnNews journalist, wearing a NASA spacesuit designed to resist even the moon's climate, took to the streets and interviewed the few citizens who dared stop for a chat. "I only have one kilometer to cover by foot to get to work, and the heated maple syrup my wife covered me with is already starting to freeze and crack, said a tall man in his thirties. Now if you'll excuse me, my office is on the next street corner, and if I spend another 30 seconds outside, I might not make it."
"Mphmgm gragnl nommmsaphumpff" was the only thing that could be heard from the next man to stop, who seemed to have a severe case of frozenjawtitis.
A resting citizen on a public bench was also talked to, but did not reply. Upon further investigation he was found to be frozen solid.
Global warming parrot Al Gore was contacted and was invited to experience for himself the climate in Canada. Mr. Gore swiftly declined and said he would rather continue to document the dramatic heat rise in Florida, where the temperature "soared to an alarming 26 Celsius recently," he confided. "Something must be done, this heat is awful, especially on my private beach, the world is running out of parasols" he added whilst his anus gently emitted a noxious mix of methane and CO2.