UnNews:Classical Concert Ends In Riot

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 April 2006
Richmond, VA - A Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach concert erupted into a no-holds barred riot earlier, as Mozart, Beethoven and Bach fans battled to the death to decide who truly was the best classical composer. It all started with a simple argument between an unnamed Bach fan and the leader of Mozartsblog.org, who identified himself only as "Billy". The argument was about to escalate into fisticuffs when a Beethoven fan ran up with his "posse" and stated, "I say! Why don't you nincompoops listen to some bloody proper music!" Needless to say, a temporary alliance was formed between the Mozart and Bach factions and they began to scrap with the Beethoven crowd.

However, Beethoven reinforcements soon arrived armed with violin bows. The stabbings started shortly thereafter. The scene quickly degenerated into a full-blown fracas, with brother pitted against brother. Fortunately, an ABC news van was there, and caught it on videotape, which will air on the 27th at 9:00 PM. The police promptly arrived nine hours later.

There are an estimated 3,000 people dead, with the body count ever rising as police find bodies among the wreckage of the stage where the concert was being held.

Said the local chief of police:

"We believe this riot was caused by too much testosterone, combined with the fact that none of these men have been laid in at least 6 months," said local police chief Robert McRobbinson. "Furthermore, we have hired hookers and mail-order brides for the remaining people, so they won't get lonely and take their anger out on anyone ever again. Think of it as a preventive measure."

All three leaders of the factions are dead, but their second-in-commands are alive, with two (representing Mozart and Bach) in critical condition. They declined to comment. The second-in-command for the Beethoven faction, however, had this to say.

"I believe we won. I mean, we had reinforcements, plus I'm in great health. BEETHOVEN REPRESENT!"

That nerd was promptly given a wedgie and stuffed into a locker by some local high school jocks.