UnNews:Charlie Kirk dies from woke mind virus

Thursday, September 11, 2025

On September 10, 2025, Popular conservative wingnut and Ben Shapiro wannabe Charlie Kirk spontaneously combusted due to a severe case of the Woke Mind Virus while he was debating a college student at Utah Valley University. He was sitting under a pop-up gazebo with his iconic "Prove Me Wrong" banner flying proudly above him as he was taking questions from the audience when the incident occurred.

According to bystanders (and our top secret UnNews surveillance pigeons) Charlie had just been asked a question about transgender people. Normally, Charlie would have pulled out any of forty-seven different scapegoats he had been saving in his mind for exactly this moment, but for some reason Charlie seemed to be having an extraordinarily hard time coming up with a response. Noted was a stern, curious look on his face as he scratched his head, looked at the ground and thoughtfully considered the nuances of a question for the first time in his life.

This is an obvious first sign that someone is suffering from a severe case of the Woke Mind Virus, a neurological disease which impacts the part of the brain responsible for critical thinking. The Woke Mind Virus activates this part of the brain, which is extremely dangerous if caught by a conservative-leaning politician, as the sudden onslaught of critical race theory, critical discourse analysis, critical mass and other scientific concepts being introduced into the brain can ironically leave many of its victims in critical condition.

Mr. Kirk, however, was not so lucky. Unbeknownst to him, he had inhaled a Wokeness Spore earlier that week which had traveled up to his brain and spent at least three days laying dormant, waiting for enough electrical signals to travel through Kirk's brain to trigger the spore's effects. Once the spore had been triggered, it rapidly began changing the chemistry of his brain, hence why he had suddenly taken such a thoughtful approach to answering a question which would normally have taken about half a second for him to answer.

Before Mr. Kirk could respond to the question with his well-informed and scientifically rigorous answer, his brain suddenly began to increase in temperature, likely due to his brain subconsciously reanalyzing every piece of information Kirk had ever memorized with his newfound critical thinking skills. Unfortunately, his brain couldn't seem to stop this process from exponentially accelerating.

Kirk complained of a small headache shortly before his forehead began to glow a bright orange, becoming brighter and brighter until it reached a peak luminosity roughly 20 times that of the Sun, immediately followed by Kirk instantaneously dematerializing in a cloud of ash and molten biological matter, causing a loud bang which rang throughout the state of Utah. All that remained of Mr. Kirk was now a glowing orange puddle on the ground underneath where he was sitting, which quickly hardened into a brittle stone and was collected for evidence shortly afterwards.