UnNews:Building replica of destination now cheaper than rail travel

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 January 2011

Rival services on the 'pavement' network have seen a boom in business

LONDON, United Kingdom -- The chief executive of the Association of Train Operating Companies has defended fare increases which average 6.2% and in some cases are much higher.

Michael Roberts said the rises were part of a government policy to make rail passengers pay a greater share of the cost than taxpayers. ”Taxpayers do not like trains,” he explained.

The rise in prices means that it is now less expensive to build replicas of the place you were going to visit by train, than to visit the real thing.

David Crick from Knutsford in Cheshire has just given the go-ahead for the building of a full-size Houses of Parliament in his back garden, after calculating that it would be £4.65 cheaper than a family super-saver return ticket to the nation’s capital. The 42 year old told UnNews that though many may think his actions extreme, the new building would provide an opportunity for him and his family to set up a government for his modest four-bedroomed semi-detached house. He confirmed that he had already started the process of filling in the necessary paperwork in order to declare independence."

Hamish Broadsword from Dundee, disconnected the Scottish land-mass from England and floated it down to Brighton rather than paying the fare. Unfortunately, the Lawyer and father of six was unable to comment coherently due to his nationality.

Previous to the latest rise, ticket prices were already the highest in the world. The downfall of the Irish economy has been largely blamed on a Irish government party of four buying a standard-class return from Bristol to London in mid-2008. Then UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown denied that it was his country’s responsibility, arguing that the Irish delegates should have travelled off-peak. ”Then again, they are Irish” he commented.

Though the rise has been described as “shocking” by rail watchdog Passenger Focus, many have argued that in reality, it will have little effect. They point to figures released by the Bureau of Statistics that show over the last twelve months, passenger numbers have fallen by around 100%, with just one paying customer travelling on the entire network in this time.

Roberts says that train companies have had no choice but to raise prices: ”With absolutely nobody travelling on the network, we have had no choice but to raise ticket prices to enable us to raise funds for the upkeep of the network. Obviously this lack of customers means our punctuality has improved and overcrowding has greatly decreased.”

Sources

• BBC News "Train boss defends above-inflation rise in fares" BBC News, January 2, 2011