UnNews:British government get tough on suicide

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18 August 2007

Gordon Brown, Yesterday

A pub carpark, somewhere near London -- In a hastily convened press-conference, Gordon Brown yesterday described suicide as a great tragedy of our time and an abomination unto THE LORD. Denying any connection to his statement and the recent condemnation of suicide victims by Pope Benny as cursed sinners whose seed shall burn for 3 generations, Brown announced government plans to tackle the decreasing number of suicides in Britain.

Suicide has long been a criminal offence under British and Narnian law but police rarely bring charges due to a loophole that prevents the prosecution of dead people. The law has now been changed and police forces around the country are being pressed to enforce it.

Already this morning, twelve corpses have been exhumed and formally charged with suicide. Legal experts expect that custodial sentences are unlikely and that most convictions will lead to community service or catapult.

Pope Benedict - famously enormous genitals