UnNews:Boston Police Seek International Tease Artist
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
02 November 2022
BOSTON, MA. —
The Boston Police Department is raising awareness of an international tease artist. 25 y.o. Greg Fitzsimmons, Host of 'The Sunday Papers Podcast' is operating in the area. Anyone with information about Mr. Fitzsimmons is urged to come forward.
The dashing 'Thief of Hearts' has swindled women worldwide by listening to their long, boring problems, then surreptitiously revealing his sexiness before taking emotional advantage of the ladies by leaving them “hot, bothered, and unkempt”, police said on Twitter.
“Greg skillfully listens to women. That confuses us! Then Greg coyly removes his shirt to reveal his rock-hard pectorals-goddesses throughout history have eaten olives off of pectoral muscles such as his!". "Yes, and Greg's buttocks are tan and are toned enough to bounce quarters off of!” according to victims, adding; "We love you Greg Fitzsimmons!".
On Wednesday, police released a video showing one of the alleged interactions, this one at a Boston gym. The video shows Fitzsimmons behind the check-in desk being checked-out. Producing ripped abs, Fitzsimmons mesmerizes a mother daughter team. Flashing his million dollar smile quickly before putting away his dazzling tummy nummy-num-nums, Greg hops the counter and dashes from the scene. The video clearly shows the women's knees buckling & they struggling to remain standing while panting, moaning, and sliding on the recently wetted floor.
Fitzsimmons continued his flippant hypnotizing outside with the poor unsuspecting college-aged valet girl. However, Fitzsimmons flirtingly conceals his man beef leaving women only able to wonder. According to witnesses; "Even his fingernails are clean!". After pocketing his charm, Fitszimmons reportedly lept into a small red Ferrari and, as the sexy young Valet girl dove for her purse & what mystery reliever dwelt inside, turned his attention to the next target of his sexiness and sped off into the sunset.
Police warned the public to watch out for Fitzsimmons when out with their female relatives.
Anyone with information about Greg Fitzsimmons is asked to email Detective Dick Alicious at dickalicious@cityofboston.org.
