UnNews:Anonymous IP saves Uncyclopedia

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1 March 2009

No picture of the IP was available by press time, so here's a photo of Gene Shalit.

Uncyclopedia, the Internet - An anonymous IP has today become the saviour of all Uncyclopedia! While innocently browsing Uncyclopedia, IP was was shocked to discover an act of vandalism within its pages. Sensing the danger, IP panicked. "I didn't know what to do! I was scared. I'd never seen anything as shocking in my life," IP was quoted as saying. "Retarded! LOL U READ THIS HAHA", said the vandal, ironically another anonymous IP. "I was shocked to think that someone could soil the good name of anonymous IP's everywhere. I knew I had to act."

For years, IP had simply browsed Uncyclopedia, too afraid to contribute. "How could I live up to their level of humour? I mean, Euroipods! Genius! I could never come up with something like that! Who was I to try and compete with that?" But seeing this blatant vandalism, on a featured article no less, spurred IP into action. "I just couldn't let it stand. It had already been there three hours! I couldn't count on an admin to just stumble upon it. What if someone saw it? They'd be as traumatised as I was." IP searched frantically. He checked the talk page. Nothing! Had no one noticed? He moved on to the edit history. There, plain to see, were the offending edits. IP's head dropped. It was vandalism, there was no denying it any longer. But even in this dark hour, a steely look of determination came over IP's face. "I knew what I had to do!"

IP took a deep breath and prepared himself to delve deeper into Uncyclopedia than he'd ever been before. He almost hesitated as his mouse hovered over the edit button. "Sure, I'll admit it. I was scared. I mean, who wouldn't be? But I just prayed to God, and he gave me the strength I needed." IP clicked, and was dazzled by a dizzying array of letters, numbers and curly brackets. IP panicked yet again. "I thought "Man, oh man, I'm in way over my head! Why did I think I could do this?"" Just as he was about to cut and run, there, staring him in the face, were the offending words. IP highlighted the words with his mouse. "I don't even remember pressing the delete key. I was running on adrenaline at that stage." He clicked the preview button, uncertain of his fate. "I knew that if I'd messed this up, I could never return to Uncyclopedia again. For me, that meant a fate worse than death!"

Luckily for IP, the preview showed no trace of the vandalism. "I was so relieved! I'd done it. I couldn't believe it." IP, confident in the knowledge that he'd saved Uncyclopedia from certain doom, valiantly and proudly clicked the save button. "It was the greatest moment in my life! To know that I, a lowly anonymous IP, had saved this great resource from the forces of evil. Well, it felt darn good!"

Sources

• Slurms MacKensie "Weirdo saves website/world" NY Times, March 1, 2009